Breaking: Doctors hail watching Spurs as miracle insomnia cure

Spurs are playing? Just dozing off at the thought of it tbh


Medical experts are hailing Tottenham Hotspur’s atrocious games as a potential miracle cure for insomnia after studies were conducted during their games this season, Paddy Power News understands.

Researchers at the Sleep Normalisation Observatory and Research Enterprise (SNORE) in London revealed a series of stunning results after those struggling to fall asleep tried watching Spurs this season.

“They nodded off faster than your da after his Christmas dinner sh*te,” Dr. Anita Schnuze said when describing the effects of Spurs games on trial patients.

“Initial indications are that sufferers of insomnia will be snoozing like Trent Alexander-Arnold when asked to defend if the results are borne out by longer-term trials.

“Spurs are so boring we’re even investigating whether Hugo Lloris momentarily drifted off prior to Newcastle’s opener on Sunday,” she said

And the findings could see the North London club claim a long overdue piece of silverware.

“Antonio Conte would be in line for a Nobel Prize in Medicine if the effects are confirmed.”

A source confirmed that an order of commemorative keyrings, mousepads and DVDs to celebrate the possible award has been placed.

“The club shop will be stocked full of ‘Possible Nobel Prize winning football’ tat in plenty of time for Christmas,” they said.

However, it’s not all positive news, as the researchers also issued an immediate public health warning on foot of the discovery.


“We’d advise anyone operating heavy machinery to avoid listening to Spurs games on the radio while they work as it could cause severe drowsiness.

“Also, any drivers intending to listen to a Tottenham game for more than 15 minutes should pull over, get a coffee and then put the game on.

“It’s crucially important to consider other road users and their safety when you’re listening to Spurs shut up shop against Forest right from the kick-off,” a statement read.

Tottenham take on Sporting Lisbon on Wednesday night in a crucial Champions League game and it remains to be seen whether coach Conte chooses to double down on his defensive approach, though a club insider suggests he may do.

“All I’m saying is the gaffer was looking up Ledley King’s number and saying he could slot right into a back six,” we were told.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.

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