United Nations to intervene in Virgil van Dijk-James Milner conflict

They're still at it


United Nations Secretary General António Guterres has intervened in the escalating conflict between Liverpool stars Virgil van Dijk and James Milner.

Crisis talks were held in Geneva after simmering tensions between Van Dijk and Milner boiled over during Liverpool’s 2-1 defeat by Manchester United last night.


UN chiefs feared a repeat of the Grobbelaar-McManaman War of 93 without immediate diplomatic intervention.

A delegation including UN General Secretary Guterres, Tenzin Gyatso the 14th Dalai Lama, Bono, and Bob Geldof, flew into Liverpool this morning for peace talks at the club’s Melwood training facility.

‘Sancho sent Milner to shops’; Guterres told Paddy Power News.

‘Then again, Virgil stood there like his hands were tied behind his back’.

‘Perhaps if they can accept, they were both sh*te, a peaceful resolution might be found’, suggested the 73-year-old Portuguese.

Virgil van Dijk Liverpool

Talks involving the delegation, Van Dijk, Milner and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp rumbled on for hours without a breakthrough.

Finally, the impasse was broken when Van Dijk and Milner reached a consensus on who was to blame for Monday night’s defeat.

A statement on behalf of both players read: ‘After a lot of soul searching, we both agree it was Jordan Henderson’s fault’.

‘His only successful pass of the night was the assist for Rashford’s goal’.

After the talks, Bono sang an acoustic version of the ‘Anfield Rap’ which he dedicated to Liverpool fans in the wake of the Old Trafford horror showing.

‘Haven’t we suffered enough?’, said a Liverpool supporters’ spokesperson.

Meanwhile, Liverpool boss Klopp claims his side would have won last night’s game if they hadn’t run out of time.

‘If this game had continued indefinitely, I’m convinced we would have scored more goals’, the 55-year-old told Paddy Power News.

LEICESTER, ENGLAND – JULY 30: Jurgen Klopp, Manager of Liverpool, reacts during The FA Community Shield between Manchester City and Liverpool FC at The King Power Stadium on July 30, 2022 in Leicester, England. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)

‘I think it is clear to everyone that the witches from Melwood followed us to Manchester and put a spell on the clock which made it go faster than usual’.

‘Also, the pitch was too green. The chlorophyll levels were out of control’.

‘And somehow Chris Wilder is involved in this’.

*Paddy Power’s breaking sports coverage is 100% fake news*

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