Ten Hag: Man United players couldn’t see each other in snot-coloured kit

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Man United boss Erik Ten Hag claims his team conceded four first-half goals at Brentford yesterday because they were unable to pick each other out in their phlegm-coloured third kit.

The Dutchman said his players found it almost impossible to identify each other in the new strip which Sports Direct chiefs are already describing as a ‘best seller’ in their 2-for-a-5er bin near checkouts.

‘The players couldn’t pick each other out. They said it was difficult to see their teammates at distance when they lifted their heads. It was nothing to do with superstition or the fact they’re absolutely sh*te’, Ten Hag told Paddy Power News.

‘Would we have scraped a draw against Go Ahead Eagles in that lime chav garment? Perhaps.’

‘I don’t know why Adidas hate us so much. Look at Arsenal’s threads. Boss. And we’re served up this luminous shite?’

‘Even Ronaldo couldn’t pull this one off. I think I can say the guy is a dreamboat – in a totally nonweird way – and he looked like a half-drunk bottle of Mountain Dew’.

BERGAMO, ITALY – NOVEMBER 02: Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United looks on during the UEFA Champions League group F match between Atalanta and Manchester United at Stadio di Bergamo on November 02, 2021 in Bergamo, Italy. (Photo by Emilio Andreoli/Getty Images)

When pressed about his team selection for the contest, the 52-year-old said:

‘Some people could argue selecting a group of vertically challenged players to endure 90 mins of set pieces Rory Delap would’ve been proud of was a mistake’.

‘My good friend Father Ted demonstrated after the game with the use of a miniature toy cow what Martinez looked like from a distance while marking Ivan Toney and I must say I was surprised’.

Quizzed on United fan’s scepticism of his managerial abilities, Ten Hag snapped:

‘It’s almost as if the light-up Bangkok Trophy means nothing to these people’.

‘You could see how much it meant to people like Steve McClaren, a proud Dutchman, who was almost in tears’.

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Asked if United would be bringing in any new faces before the end of the current transfer window the former Ajax boss said:

‘According to all the d*ckheads on Twitter the deal for Frenkie de Jong has been 95% done since June’.

‘Mr Murtough flew out to Turin this morning. The man couldn’t negotiate a better deal on his car insurance – on the plus side he’s clocked up an impressive amount of air miles’.

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