UEFA is switching this season’s Champions League final away from St Petersburg to an inhospitable primordial planetoid known as LV-426.
The move comes amid the escalating Ukraine-Russia crisis, with Russian President Vladimir Putin ordering troops into two rebel-held regions of the former Soviet territory.
PORTO, PORTUGAL – MAY 29: Cesar Azpilicueta of Chelsea kisses the Champions League Trophy following their team’s victory in the UEFA Champions League Final between Manchester City and Chelsea FC at Estadio do Dragao on May 29, 2021 in Porto, Portugal. (Photo by Carl Recine – Pool/Getty Images)
Facing criticism that LV-426 was 39 light-years away and overrun by hostile Xenomorphs, European football’s governing body reassured fans the moon would be ready in time to host the showpiece final.
‘LV-426 has always been a proud footballing nation and we’re confident they’ll put on a spectacle the whole universe will enjoy’, UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin told Paddy Power News.
‘We briefly considered a rival bid from Glasgow but the weather’s better on LV-426’.
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However, the 54-year-old was forced to explain photographs which appeared to show him having dinner with Weyland-Yutani Corporation’s Special Projects Director Carter Burke.
The mega-rich Weyland-Yutani corporation have been accused of human rights violations by colonists including appalling working conditions, delayed salaries and having embryonic aliens implanted into their oesophagus’ by a bony finger-like parasitoid.
‘Carter is a special friend of UEFA’, explained Ceferin.
‘The fact he works for the company who colonised the moon where we plan to host the Champions League final is just a coincidence’.
After facing a barrage of questions about LV-426’s hostile alien problem, UEFA’s head honcho briefly left the press conference then re-emerged holding a fully grown Xenomorph XX121 on the end of a leash.
‘Go on, rub her muzzle, she won’t bite’, said Ceferin, as the snarling beast exposed its teeth.
‘There’s no such thing as a bad alien – just bad owners. She’s great with children too’.
However, no sooner had the words left Ceferin’s mouth, the Xenomorph broke free from his grasp and leapt upon Paddy Power News reporter Stephen Large.
‘Down Sasha’, ordered Ceferin – but it was too late. The alien’s pharyngeal jaw smashed through Large’s skull like a baby chick hatching from an egg.
*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth – honest*
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