Breaking: Kenny Dalglish to replace Rafa Benitez at Everton ​

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Everton are set to appoint former Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish as their new manager.

The 70-year-old has fought off stiff competition from Robbie Fowler, Steve McManaman and Vladimír Šmicer’s mum to land the role.

Dalglish has signed a three-year deal and succeeds fellow ex-Kopite Rafa Benitez, who was sacked on Sunday.

‘I hope to continue the great work Rafa has done here by ensuring that Everton are in the Championship next season’, the Scot told Paddy Power News.

‘And I think I speak on behalf of everyone associated with Liverpool Football Club when I say how much we all appreciate his efforts to get the blue sh*te relegated’.

‘Although I’m not inheriting a side currently languishing in the bottom three, I think it’s clear to see Rafa’s set the club back at least five years’.

Dalglish concluded the interview by spraying Lynx Africa on an Everton scarf and setting it alight using a Zippo lighter.

Everton majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri told Paddy Power News: ‘After Sylvester Stallone said no to the job, Kenny reached out to us and offered his services’.

‘He fits the profile, in that he’s over 60 and has a huge affiliation with Liverpool FC’.

Dalglish’s first act as Everton boss was to sedate his assistant Duncan Ferguson and have him placed on display in a cage outside Goodison Park dressed in a full Liverpool strip.

The former Celtic and Liverpool forward put Ferguson to sleep with a tranquiliser dart he shot from a Cherokee blowgun that lodged itself in the 50-year-old’s left buttock.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – DECEMBER 11: Duncan Ferguson of Everton confronts referee Steve Bennett during the Barclays Premiership match between Everton and Liverpool at Goodison Park, on December 11, 2004 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images)

‘There ya go ya big blue nose b*stard’, taunted Dalglish, while poking Ferguson through the bars with a stick.

In related news, Everton have revealed plans to install a revolving door at the entrance to their manager’s office.

The plan was unanimously approved at a board meeting last night as the club looks set to continue its policy of hiring approximately two managers per season under Farhad Moshiri.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news, and that’s the truth – honest*


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