Following Newcastle’s humiliating FA Cup exit to League One side Cambridge, a source close to Steve Bruce has revealed the recently departed Toon manager could be hospitalised if he continues to hold his laughter in any longer.
Described as in “serious physical danger” having stifled a bout of chronic giggles for the last three days, doctors have urged the former Magpies boss to take a trip to St. James’s Park where he is to stand outside wearing a Sunderland top, whilst holding Ant and Dec in a headlock, and to simply point at the stadium and let out the laughter.
“We all know he wants to laugh out loud, so why doesn’t he just do it? It would do him a great deal of good and be fantastic for the rest of us to witness” asked one medical professional.
“Newcastle fans didn’t just blame Bruce for their poor performances, they blamed him for everything”, our source close to the 61-year-old explained.
“The September petrol crisis, Brexit, COVID, global warming, Newcastle failing to win the Premier League title in 1996 despite being 12 points clear with 15 matches remaining, and that time Alan Shearer relegated them – yet he stayed silent.
“To see the richest club in the world limping along at the bottom of the table, making audacious bids for players like Dominic Solanke and Chris Wood while suffering under the leadership of Eddie Howe is obviously pleasing for everybody to see, including Steve.
“So, let’s hope for his own health that he eventually has a good laugh at the expense of his former club.”
Newcastle fan Barry Beresford, 52, offered comment on the situation via local radio station Byker Grove FM.
“Cabbage head is still ruining everything,” said the irate Geordie.
“He should never have been given the job and was never good enough for our fantastic club – we are a top-four club, European elite, with the greatest fans in the world and we will continue to say this about ourselves until the end of time.
“Football means more to us than it does to anybody else, don’t you know. We don’t even wear a stitch at games in January, like.”
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