Following a towering performance against World Champions France in the last 16 of Euro 2020, Arsenal are set to confirm a deal to bring Switzerland star midfielder Granit Xhaka to the Emirates next season.
The 28-year-old has burst onto the scene this summer with a series of dominant displays for his country, with the London club desperately searching for a midfield since Cesc Fabregas’ voice broke.
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As luck would have it, the midfielder is currently living in London but has barely played a game in five years.
Italian giants Roma were set to announce a move for him, but Mikel Arteta stepped in having been blown away by his form for the Swiss over the last fortnight.
“‘Who is this guy?! He’s exactly what we need,” the Emirates boss is reported to have said while watching Xhaka boss harass N’Golo Kante and Paul Pogba last night, then pick passes like Andrea Pirlo as Switzerland upset the tournament favourites on penalties.
“I can’t believe he’s just been sitting on his arse – right on our doorstep! – all this time. Sign him up!”
“We’ll be back challenging for the Europa League places in no time. Or the Europa Conference anyway.”
And the club’s ownership was only too keen to get the deal done when it was revealed they wouldn’t have to pay a cent for the midfielder.
“Things are so tight here Gunnersaurus’ is double-jobbing as kitman, Club Secretary and he’ll be head chef when fans get back.
“When you think about them squandering £35m on the likes of Granit Xha… wait, what the f**k~?!” a source was quoted as saying, before finding a dark room to lie down.
And Xhaka’s night has also sent the Coca-Cola share price surging as he gulped down a bottle of original coke at full-time.
Great to see Xhaka horsing the bottle of Coke into him like a hungover Sunday League player pic.twitter.com/NGagqvJvl8
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) June 28, 2021
“It’s been a rocky tournament for us” a spokesperson for the sugary gloop said, “but Ronaldo’s out and Xhaka’s still in, which says everything about the sporting benefits of our products.”
Reports that Xhaka could have the fizzy beverage’s logo shaved into his bleached hair for their quarter-final meeting with Spain are yet to be confirmed.
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