Fulham’s Khan the frontrunner for United Director of Bullsh*t role

Could be a huge signing for United


Outspoken exec Tony Khan may have copped an Alexander Mitrovic-sized barrage of stick for his social media posting this week, but he also might have earned a new role at Manchester United, according to reports.

The frustrated Fulham chief took to twitter this week following his team 3-0 spanking from Aston Villa – yes, really, the Villa! – to apologise to fans for the team’s sluggish start to the season and their sieve-like defence.

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And his online defence of the newly-promoted club’s failure to address gaping holes in their squad was said to have “blown the Official Man United Noodle Partner socks off” the Red Devils transfer chief Ed Woodward, who will need to come up with some top quality bullsh*t to appease United fans when the transfer window closes.

The former investment banker is said to be struggling to settle on a satisfactory cop-out as to why he’s made such a monumental balls of his club’s transfer dealings again this year.

A source within Old Trafford revealed that Woodward “has been mulling over reviving Alex Ferguson’s classic line that ‘there’s no value in the market’ from the year the Glazers pocketed Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer fee and replaced him with Gabriel Obertan, but feels something fresh and new is needed – much like United’s squad, ironically.”

“And Covid-19, while unique to this transfer window, does affect everyone – ‘if Chelsea can sign cheques during a pandemic, why not United?’ fans will ask if he tries to pull that one.”

Woodward has even interrupted the hours of staring at the phone in his office waiting for Dortmund to decide United can have Jadon Sancho for whatever spare change he has in his pocket and a jar of Bovril to contact Khan about a possible role at the club this week before the transfer window closes and those blokes in balaclavas start appearing around his gaff again.

“Standards at United are high. They won’t settle for second-best – especially when fourth-best will be good enough for Champions League qualification.”


“You can see it with the manager – he had Molde flying high in the Norwegian top division when he got the job. The squad as well; how many goals had Odion Ighalo got in China when they signed him? I dunno, but it was probably a lot.”

“It’s only Chinese Super League, after all.”

“Now, they want a world-class Director of Bullsh*t to explain why United’s transfer window deals will consist of Donny van de Beek, re-signing the VAR officials on a new, long-term deal, and Harry Maguire’s legal fees.”

Despite literally zettabytes worth of digital text being spilt on United’s possible transfer deals, there have been few new additions to appease their online, and Khan appears to be just the man after his dog-ate-my-new-centre-half’s-registration bluffing on Monday evening.

“Ed’s really excited by what he’s seen from Tony – look at the engagement he got from just a couple of tweets!”

“If anyone can take the blame off another Ed failure, it’s Tony,” our source said.

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