Ahead of a tricky Summer Nations Series clash against Fiji, the RFU has decided to start the match with 14 players, with one delegate suggesting “they’d only end the match with 14 anyway”.
Having faced enormous difficulties in the previous World Cup warm-up fixtures, coach Steve Borthwick is believed to be willing to let one of his players take to the field, sing the national anthem, watch kick-off, and absolutely rattle one of the opposition before the ball is in play.
“He just wants to get the red card out of the way early on,” confirmed a source close to the squad.
“With Owen Farrell and Billy Vunipola both seeing red for dangerous play in previous games, Steve has told the boys that he expects it to happen again, but this time he wants to control the situation in order to avoid any media circus, so is currently looking for a volunteer. So far, he’s had no takers, but he is working on it.”
Having made it to the World Cup Final in 2019, expectations couldn’t be more different this time around for England, with many predicting they will not make it out of their pool, despite avoiding all the big nations.
“You can forget about facing the All Blacks, South Africa or Australia in the later stages because they are not getting past Chile and Japan,” said one irate fan on local radio.
“I thought the 6 Nations was as low as it could get letting the French score 50 points in our back yard, but apparently Owen and Billy clearly had other ideas.
“It’s almost like a bunch of Scots have infiltrated our squad and paid our players to act like d*cks.”
With pessimism following the England players everywhere they go, Paddy Power News spoke to an anonymous source from within Twickenham stadium who claims to have insights on how England still plan to win the World Cup.
“They’ve secretly brought back Martin Johnson, Lawrence Dallaglio and Jonny Wilkinson who will be starting the opening game. They may be in their 50s, but I bet they put up more of a fight than that sh*t show who played last week.
“I’ve heard Borthwick did reach out to Rory Underwood but at 60 he felt his best years were behind him,” continued the anonymous source.
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