Breaking: Schmidt preparing Ireland to face Typhoon in Japan


A confused Ireland rugby coach Joe Schmidt is preparing his squad for a potential showdown with retired WWE wrestler Typhoon.

The 54-year-old former school teacher called an emergency meeting yesterday morning during which his players were shown footage of wrestler Fred Ottman, who worked for the WWE from 1989 to 1993 under the ring names Tugboat and Typhoon.

Bemused players left the meeting scratching their heads and wondering if the stresses of the tournament had finally taken their toll on Schmidt, who is rumoured to have had an emotional breakdown after Ireland’s defeat to Japan.

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On Monday it was announced a huge tropical storm which could potentially derail Ireland’s World Cup campaign would hit Japan this Saturday.

Forecasts suggest the cyclone could hit the city of Fukuoka where Ireland are scheduled to play Samoa in their final Pool A fixture on Saturday.

The Irish require a bonus-point victory to guarantee their passage to the quarter-finals but any games cancelled due to adverse weather conditions are recorded as 0-0 draws.

Upon hearing the news, an unhinged Schmidt ordered his backroom staff to dig out DVDs of old WWE pay-per-view events from the early 90s featuring the wrestler most commonly known as Typhoon.

A deranged Schmidt called a press conference last night during which he accused World Cup organisers of conspiring against the Irish.

‘Sticking us in the same group as the hosts was bad enough. We all saw the 2002 soccer World Cup. But allowing a WWE wrestler – with clearly no Samoan heritage – to play against us, it’s just f**king cheating lads’.

CARDIFF, WALES – MARCH 16: Joe Schmidt head coach of Ireland gives instructions prior to the Guinness Six Nations match between Wales and Ireland at Principality Stadium on March 16, 2019 in Cardiff, Wales. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

Schmidt concluded the press conference by ripping off his t-shirt à la Hulk Hogan and challenging Ottman to face him in a tables, ladders and chairs bout at Wrestlemania 36 next year.

As petrified journalists made for the fire exit, Schmidt performed an impromptu pose down while hollering ‘Woooooooooooooooooooooooo’ at the top of his lungs.

Concerned Irish skipper Rory Best confirmed his players are preparing to stage an intervention so that Schmidt might receive the help he needs.

‘When we heard about the typhoon, we thought Joe might be calling us in to tell us that we were relocating’, explained Best.

‘But the next thing, we’re watching DVDs of some big fat guy in a camp Halloween sailor costume who looked like a Matey bubble bath on steroids’.

‘Joe’s mam and dad are on the next flight and we’re gonna do whatever it takes to get him well again’.

Meanwhile, Scotland could move above Ireland by beating hosts Japan on Sunday in their final Pool A fixture – if the game is cancelled.

As a result, Scottish meteorologists named the storm ‘Typhoon Haggis’ and told the Scottish squad to perform ritual rain dances during training sessions to invoke the weather.

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