Evidence is mounting that Jacob Rees-Mogg is not the glutinous mass of carefully selected offcuts from the internal organs of Oswald Mosley that he outwardly appears to be, but is in fact Azor Ahai, the legendary Prince that was Promised.
This is something that scholars of the books of Asshai have known for quite some time.
Those ancient tomes state that Azor Ahai will be reborn to smite the ‘Others’, which will occur after a long summer when an evil, cold darkness descends upon the world. If we take ‘Others’ to refer to poor people, refugees and the infirm, then Rees-Mogg’s emergence from the shadows after Brexit and the election of Donald Trump would seem clear proof that he fits the bill in that regard.
Given Rees-Mogg’s zealous adherence to the contents of archaic scrolls and volumes, he will surely agree that there is absolutely no reason to doubt the truth and relevance of the books of Asshai.
And so, here’s a brief rundown of all the benefits of voting Azor Ahai to be the next UK PM.
He’s a true man of the people
This Eton and Oxford-educated former City investment banker has never lost touch with his roots on the mean streets of Hammersmith. Having dragged himself out of the ghetto by his bootstraps, Rees-Mogg is all the more admirable for how down-to-earth he has remained throughout.
Jacob maintains a genuine common touch, which he displays regularly through his ever-present compassion for the hoi polloi.
For example, he is a passionate advocate of zero-hour contracts, maintaining that they benefit employees, including students, by providing flexibility and a route into more permanent employment.
He answers to a higher power
Isn’t it frustrating when politicians limit themselves to being guided merely by the rule of secular law?
Well, that won’t be a problem for J-Mogg, as he often insists on being known. Because, true to his form as a corporate lackey, our boy Jacob adheres zealously to the wisdom of the Catholic Church.
To highlight his devotion, the Vatican City FC ultrà recently stated: “I take my whip from the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church rather than the Whip’s Office.”
How encouraging it will be for UK citizens to witness a systematic reduction of the separation between church and state, a policy that has paid such wonderful dividends for countries such as Ireland and Saudi Arabia.
He alone can solve the ‘Scottish Question’
If there’s anyone who can put those pesky Scots right about their strange belief that they are somehow as important as English people, it’s JRM.
Back in 1997, he pitched up at Central Fife on a Conservative ticket. Given his salt-of-the-earth nature, he was an ideal selection for what was an overwhelmingly working-class electorate, and he wowed the locals by deigning to actually speak to them and driving around the area in a flash Mercedes.
So impressive was the campaign that he romped to a whopping 9% of the vote.
As a result, it’s hard to think of a man more suited to dealing with upstarts like Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond, who will surely be so overwhelmed by his charisma that they will abandon any notions of Scottish independence and cover themselves from head to toe in tattoos of St George’s flag.
He will sort out the NHS
In 2008, Rees-Mogg was sacked as a director of the Hospital of St John and St Elizabeth in London by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor. JRM was nobly holding firm in favour of a tighter ethical code banning non-Catholic practices such as abortions and gender reassignment surgery at the institution.
His recent comments on Breakfast TV with Piers Morgan indicate that he has not wavered. What admirable consistency on his part.
We’re very impressed with his dedication to denying people basic human rights, and believe he would be the ideal man to oversee a complete overhaul of the NHS. If there’s one thing that the ailing organisation needs at this stage, it’s a massive cutback in terms of the amount of work it has to do.
JRM is the visionary to deliver that.
He is bilingual, and that’s dead sexy
There’s nothing that gets the juices flowing among the old-fashioned housewife demographic than a man who speaks a foreign language. Again, JRM is just that man.
When he joined Twitter in July 2017, he sent a legion of adoring stay-at-home mums skidding across their lino floors on puddles of their own bodily fluids with the following statement:
‘Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis.’
This roughly translates as, ‘I am an unfettered and generous lover.’ No need to fact-check that.
He always backs the right horse
Back in the 2016 Conservative Party leadership election, JRM was wise enough to support Boris Johnson. He then cleverly switched tack and lent the weight of his name to Michael Gove.
Ingeniously, he then backed Andrea Leadsom in the race against Theresa May.
With this kind of insight, it’s clear that Rees-Mogg knows who to trust, and when.