Steven Gerrard’s imminent return to Anfield has seen “an explosion” in half-and-half Liverpool v Aston Villa in the Merseyside area, Paddy Power News can report.
The game on Saturday is likely to be the closest the recently-installed Villa gaffer ever comes to actually managing Liverpool at Anfield, and fans of his former team are determined to mark the occasion with the naffest bit of tat humanly imaginable.
“We’re deeply concerned by the spike in appearances of garments that profess devotion to both Liverpool Football Club and Aston Villa,” said Dr Eggerd Head, professor of Football and Telly and Other Stuff at the Department of Sport, Culture and Made-up Stuff that Sounds Cool but Means F**k All at Liverpool University.
“Emotions among the group of Liverpool fans we’ve studied are fluctuating like your mum’s stomach on a diet when she ‘power-walks’ past – or possibly into – Greggs.”
“Indeed, we haven’t tracked such promiscuous behaviour in football since John Terry left Chelsea,” he explained.
Half-and-half scarves have been spotted at numerous locations across the city, while the emergence of the even more troubling half-and-half shirt, complete with Gerrard 8 on the back, cannot be ruled out.
Such unfortunate instances are only expected to multiply in the coming days, with possibly devastating results.
“You think Liverpool fans talk sh*te now? ‘It means more’ will never be more apt than when they’ve TWO clubs to natter incessantly about,” the doctor told us.
LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – OCTOBER 02: A general view during the UEFA Champions League group E match between Liverpool FC and RB Salzburg at Anfield on October 02, 2019 in Liverpool, United Kingdom. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)
And anecdotal evidence ahead of the game suggests more crap than you’d see in Cheltenham’s stables will be plopped out while the ex-Liverpool captain manages the Midlands club.
“I’ll really have divided loyalties on Saturday,” said alleged Liverpool supporter Tommy Stanley when asked about his feelings ahead of the game.
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“I want Liverpool to win, but I also want Stevie G to win so he can come back here and win the league with us at last… so I suppose I should want Liverpool to lose, but that feels wrong as a supporter… unless you really love the greatest Liverpool player ever, which really means you love the club…” and on and on and on he continued, with relatives hopeful the cycle of barely coherent jabbering will end at approximately 4:45pm on Saturday afternoon.
“It’s our only hope”, Deirdre, his wife, said. “A result one way or the other should snap Tommy out of it.”
“Then he should just go back to talking non-stop about how he wants to change the eldest’s name to Divock and how he wants to divert the rent to Mo Salah wages if it means he’ll sign a new contract…”
**Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news. And that’s the truth.**
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