Tottenham Hotspur have acquired the services of Dog the Bounty Hunter as they try to establish Harry Kane’s whereabouts.
The striker was absent from Spurs’ 1-0 victory over Man City yesterday and is rumoured to have taken flight after being named in their 25-man Europa Conference League squad this morning.
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With Nuno Espírito Santo keen to have his skipper available for Thursday’s play-off tie against Pacos de Ferreira, chairman Daniel Levy has taken the drastic step of hiring notorious bounty hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman.
Chapman was seen hurtling along the A1010 this afternoon in his Jaguar XJ as he tried to locate the 28-year-old England star.
At one point, Chapman and his team arrested a man, whom they believed to be Kane, outside an Enfield fish and chip shop.
Amateur footage captured by customers showed the man being dragged from the premises while being maced repeatedly and denying he was the Tottenham striker.
After finally realising his mistake, Chapman can be heard asking the man ‘you wanna cigarette, brah?’.
Discussing the so-far fruitless pursuit with Paddy Power News, Dog told us:
‘There are worse things that can happen to a man than playing in the Europa Conference League Harry’.
‘So y’all would be better handing yourself in before the Dog gets ya’.
‘Six men can carry you or twelve men can judge you. You decide Harry’.
In related news, Manchester City have decided to name Kane in their 25-man Champions League squad as well.
‘We are so skint we have resorted to naming other teams players in our Champions League squad’, a tearful Pep Guardiola told Paddy Power News.
‘We cannot replace Aguero, we cannot, we cannot’, he sobbed, while simultaneously texting Sheikh Mansour about the progress of City’s £120m bid for Kane.
**Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news. It’s all lies. All of it. Every single chuffing word.**
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