Rangers are moving ahead with plans to close Ibrox to supporters following their Champions League exit, it has emerged.
The Scottish champions, playing the biggest game in their ten-year history, were dismantled like a cheap Ikea shelving unit by Malmo in their 3rd round Champions League qualifying tie despite the Swedes playing much of the second leg with only ten men in front of a ferocious home crowd.
This, following the weekend loss to Dundee United in the Scottish Premiership, means that the Gers have now lost six of their last eight games in front of crowds, and the club could be set to take drastic measures to stem the flow of poor results.
“Closing the stadium again is on the table,” a source close to the club said. “The players thrived during lockdown and the thought is that they could be better without the 50,000 supporters groaning whenever they misplace a pass.”
The knock-on effects of such a move could be the most catastrophic event for the blue half of Glasgow since the taxman took a look at their accounts but is believed to be worth the risk now they’re back at the top of the Scottish game.
“This club has a rich history of terrible financial decisions and shutting down the ground could be the next entry in that glorious run,” our source continued.
“The only thing is I wish we’d thought of this sooner – we’d have spanked that lot without the fans there, it’d have been. It’d have just been like playing Livingston or Hamilton Academicals.”
Of course, away games will still see Steven Gerrard’s side facing raucous supporters, but other measures are being considered to mitigate the effect.
“We’ve stocked up on earplugs and blinkers, kinda like a horse would wear, and we’re going to do our best to block out the crowd.
“It’ll be like they were playing down the park rather in front of thousands of people.
“And they’ve been playing like a pub team recently, so they should feel right at home.”
One point of encouragement for Gerrard’s side is Alfredo Morelos not getting sent off in either leg of the tie.
“We’re delighted for the lad. He got a goal and just a booking, all that time listening to whale noises on Spotify and aligning his chakras through meditation is really working wonders, though it’s not great for the other lads in the dressing room when he lights the incense sticks.”
Morelos’s long-mooted £20m move to Anywhere F*cking Else FC can surely only be a matter of days away given the Colombian’s newly found sense of inner peace and tranquillity.
Meanwhile, Celtic are grateful that their biggest rivals struggled have taken the spotlight off their troubles.
“We’re back!” said @TruBhoy67 after Dundee United’s 1-0 against Rangers on Saturday. “Between this and Joe Hart signing, you know we have them #rattled.”
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