Tottenham Hotspur are this summer’s close-season cabaret kings as they continue to look for a successor to Jose Mourinho and likely candidates crumble faster than, well, Spurs when the pressure’s on.
Despite currently being forced to watch three matches a day in the name of journalism, Paddy Power’s roving reporters have got up off the sofa and headed to North London, to get to the bottom of why nobody seems to want to take a seat in the dugout at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.
LO SQUALO BLOCKS GENNARO:
Only 24 hours ago it looked as though 2006 Italian World Cup winner Gennaro Gattuso was set to touch down in London and become the new Spurs boss, but then reports started to surface that fan groups were opposed to his appointment and the club’s hierarchy folded faster than Doris down the drycleaners.
However, the real reason is because chairman Daniel Levy wanted former Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan to be Gattuso’s new right-hand man.
The pair had a famous clash of heads after Spurs had dumped Gattuso’s AC Milan out of the Champions League in 2011 and ex-Milanese “legend” Jordan was reportedly ready to bury the hatchet to welcome the Italian to the Premier League – and not with Glasgow Kiss.
But Gattuso, still fuming ten years later, wanted to settle the dispute by going 12 rounds with “Lo Squalo” – The Shark – as big Joe was known in Italy due to his missing front teeth.
Levy, initially keen on broadcasting the event as part of a pay-per-view from their new stadium, eventually decided to steer clear.
GROSS MISCONDUCT:
Amazon Prime’s producers are also reportedly influencing Levy’s choice of manager having already signed up for season two of All or Nothing.
The media giant were keen for Levy to re-appoint Christian Gross, the man who, when given the job by then-chairman Alan Sugar back in 1997, turned up for his first press conference having arrived at White Hart Lane via London Underground.
It’s believed that Amazon offered the Swiss tactician a lorry load of cash to star in a sort of Back to the Future sequel before the club did a dramatic U-turn when they found out how much it would cost the club to provide Gross with an annual Oyster card.
DOHA, QATAR – DECEMBER 05: Generation Amazing ambassador Xavi Hernandez addresses delegates during day 2 of Soccerex Asia on December 5, 2016 in Doha, Qatar. (Photo by Barrington Coombs/Getty Images)
NOT SAVVY TO GO WITH XAVI:
Barcelona legend Xavi, eager to avoid having to tell Leo Messi it’s time to move on at Barcelona, is looking to expand his coaching experience and thought Spurs were mediocre enough to be grateful for him using them as a stepping stone.
However, he was put off by the club’s demanding that any new gaffer get immersed in London culture – with learning “The Knowledge” of London cabbies, getting acting lessons on the accent, and even watching a minimum amount of Eastenders every week a prerequisite of any deal.
The Spaniard was open to the ideas but decided against the move when grime re-recordings of Chas and Dave’s greatest hits was mooted.
KANE MAY BE ABLE:
With Harry Kane’s future uncertain, has reportedly told close friends that he will make a decision on his plans when a new coach has been appointed.
Now, rumours are swirling that the real reason Spurs haven’t appointed anyone is solely to keep Kane at the club in perpetuity.
Genius idea.
There is even a whisper that Levy, after taking advice from new Sporting Director Fabio Paratici, will offer his star player the chance of becoming player-manager after Euro 2020, although there will be concerns that Kane would then be able to drop himself from the starting XI and put himself on the transfer list.
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