The Premier League have brought forward Arsenal’s defeat against Liverpool by 15 minutes to 8pm, it has emerged. The original 8.15pm kick-off has been scrapped to allow distraught Gunners fans to get in one last round before the pubs close at 10pm.
Fans of the North London outfit feared the latest contradictory nonsensical restrictions announced by the government would mean they’d miss the end of game.
However, successful talks between the Premier League and both clubs have ensured Arsenal will begin their inevitable 4-0 drubbing earlier than originally planned. The rescheduled kick-off will enable supporters to sob into a final pint of the evening while their early-season optimism fades faster than a t-shirt ordered off wish.com.
Discussing the move with Paddy Power News, Premier League CEO Richard Masters told us: “Bojo gave us a bit of headache when he decided to close the pubs at 10.
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“Can you imagine missing the final 15 minutes of all our 8.15pm kick-offs? Think of the countless favourable VAR decisions Manchester United fans wouldn’t see?
“So, after careful consideration, we decided to bring forward Arsenal’s mauling at the hands of Liverpool to 8pm.”
However, Masters rejected proposals to bring the kick-offs forward to 7.45pm so pub-going rival supporters could piss themselves laughing at Arsenal fans losing their shit on AFTV.
Explaining his decision, the CEO said: “As much as we all love to see Arsenal fans outside the Emirates have an emotional breakdown live on telly, I have to draw the line somewhere.”
In other news, Arsenal defender David Luiz told Paddy Power News he’s looking forward to giving away two goals before getting sent-off during Monday’s televised game.
“Liverpool’s front three should give me an absolute nightmare,” grinned the Brazilian.
“I’m looking forward to letting Mane in one-on-one with our keeper with an under-hit backpass. Then I’ll most likely put through my own net before receiving my marching orders for scything down Salah when he’s clean through.”
Meanwhile, Liverpool new-boy Thiago cannot wait to see the Liverpool fans wax lyrical about him on social media after a 20-minute cameo during which he’ll play some sideways passes.
“I’m delighted to play for these supporters. Mainly because if I’d signed for United they’d be saying I was shit and try to ruin my career.”
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