The “All or Nothing” series of fly-on-the-wall documentaries on Amazon Prime are all the rage at the moment, with Tottenham Hotspur becoming the latest club to have their privacy compromised by the media giants. The behind-the-scenes look at the goings-on in North London has had a mixed reception with some people complaining that this latest offering is a bit too staged for its own good.
Paddy Power has obtained a leaked document drafted from Amazon to Spurs and the Premier League in which it sets out its intention to produce a second series but on one condition; that both parties agree to a bonkers set of rules and regulations, which would see English football shaken to its very foundations.
NO MORE BORE DRAWS
According to Amazon, football matches ending in parity is so noughties it’s not true, therefore the producers outlined their desire to have a winner in every top-flight league fixture starting from next January. Paddy understands that the broadcasting colossus is keen to abandon extra-time and the dreaded penalty shoot-out and replace it with fairground attractions to determine a winner if scores are level after 90 mins.
A coconut shy or shooting range are thought to top Amazon’s list with teams having to name five of its players to take aim and the victors picking up the three points.
We also understand that to encourage even more attacking football, should the match end goalless after regular time, the two managers will have to ride the famous Wall of Death to determine a winner. Amazon bosses are believed to have already told Spurs supremo Daniel Levy that if he can slide an American Football pitch in and out of his billion-pound stadium, then there’s no reason why he can’t let a bunch of dodgy geezers in to set up a fairground.
THE END OF SUBSTITUTIONS
Amazon are keen for the result to be settled in 90 minutes and their execs have pitched another bizarre idea to the EPL which would be the death knell for substitutions. The plan is to suspend a big perspex bubble high above the stadium (similar to the one that David Blaine sat in without food and drink for three months a few years ago) and get one of the non-playing staff of each team to go in it armed with a paintball gun. Each person will have three rounds of ammunition and during the match, they will be able to take aim to take out one of the opposition XI down on the pitch.
So, if Harry Kane is having a particularly good game against Arsenal, Arteta will be able to instruct one of his regular bench warmers to take a pot shot at the England skipper and if he scores a hit, that’s the end of Kane’s afternoon/evening. Conspiracy theorists will claim that this is why Jose Mourinho was on the roof of the Spurs stadium in the first place, to work out the best trajectory.
“HOW WIDE DO YOU WANT THE GOAL?”
Well very, if Amazon gets their way. Having just recruited a goalkeeper with no fixed ability in the shape of Joe Hart, to give competition to another goalkeeper of no fixed ability in the shape of Hugo Loris, Levy is understood to have been left fuming at Amazon’s suggestion to widen the goals every 15 minutes.
A move such as this could leave us with a situation where it’s impossible for even the likes of Eric Dier to miss going into the final quarter of any fixture. The actual amount that the onion bag would extend to is not known at this time, although Mourinho was overheard saying to his boss “F**k it, I may have to put both of them in goal if we go down this road”.
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We’re living in unprecedented times, of course, but Amazon has been one of the success stories of Covid-19 along with its big rival down the road, Netflix. There will be more controversy, however, if another one of its ideas to make its documentaries more appealing, Multi-Ball, gets the Premier League’s approval.
What would happen is this – For the last 15 minutes of every league encounter, a set of 22 balls will be released onto the pitch (probably from the same pod as the one with the players taking potshots) with teams being told to fill their boots and score as many times as they can. This combined with the possible idea of extending the size of the goal, could lead to some horrific final scores and give Eric Dier the chance to claim the golden boot at the end of the campaign.
“NICE TO SEE YOU, TO SEE YOU…NICE”
The Premier League has decided to get rid of the drinks break that was introduced during Project Restart, but if Amazon gets its way, we could be looking at a series of interruptions that will infuriate fans should they ever be allowed back into stadiums.
At strategic intervals during the match and in a shameless attempt to promote the online shopping arm of its business, Amazon plans to halt the game to flash a series of its products up on the big screen. Once this has happened, the two captains will come together in the centre circle to try (just like in the Generation Game) and try to remember as many of the products as they can in sixty seconds.
The winner will not only be able to take home every one of the products they recall, but also be able to nominate a player from the opposition to take a 10-minute sin-bin style punishment so they can load up their car.