As the Hammers take blow after blow on the pitch and hurtle towards the scrapyard of the Championship, owners David Gold and David Sullivan are getting bent out of shape in the boardroom too.
The porn producers struck a blow for their reputations by earning a correction at the start of this week’s Sunday Supplement on Sky following some outspoken commentary on their ten years as custodians of the West Ham Way in the previous week’s show.
Sunday Supplement issues the following correction regarding last Sunday's show pic.twitter.com/vYVQb55z6h
— Sunday Supplement (@SundaySupp) February 2, 2020
But, as scenes from the latest episode of reality TV show The Crapprentce reveal, their solidarity in public has been tested by confrontations behind the scenes.
After the latest debacle, a 3-3 draw at home with fellow strugglers Brighton having led 3-1, the pair were carpeted by Sir Alan Sugar and assistant Karren Brady, who has been assiduously taking notes and shaking her head bemusedly to the camera as the calamitous pair have lurched from one disaster to another throughout their tenure at the beleaguered club.
“David blaaaady Moyes?!” the former Tottenham chairman roared in their boardroom showdown following the late collapse.
“Sounds more like ‘jobs for the Moyes’ if you ask me,” he quipped, forcing Brady and that bald bloke to chuckle weaselly at one of the weaker efforts from Sugar’s joke writer.
“I wouldn’t let him manage a market stall, let alone a football club,” the irate tycoon bellowed to strained silence, though the preview of next week’s episode suggests Moyes may be put in charge of desperately selling tourist tat outside the London Stadium in a future instalment of the show.
Sullivan then piped up in defence of the manager. “David Moyes rescued us before. He has tonnes of experience. He was great at Everton for years and kept them punching above their weight. We were lucky to get him in.”
“And anyway, bringing him back was entirely his idea,” pointing to Gold, who’s efforts to reply were lost in amid a flurry of shouting.
Brady then ran through a litany of items missed in running a football club by the pair.
“First, you’ve sold off the old ground and planted the club in the middle of a park where no one can get to or wants to go. You’ve forgotten to put up anything to do with the club that would suggest it’s your home. You’re paying rent for the privilege of playing there despite it not being fit for football, and your supporters are losing interest in the club.”
“Got no ground, got no fans. Maybe they should bring in the Wealdstone Raider as a consultant!” Sugar chimed in, displaying knowledge of football humour that suggests his joke writer might be a little too online for the tenor of the show.
“Anyone who does turn up can’t see the game because the pitch is so far from the stands,” Brady went on once the tidal wave of mirth had subsided.
“You’ve squandered £214million net on transfers in four years, but your players change in prefab buildings at the training ground, You’ve one full-time scout. You’ve replaced one manager with another and then brought back the first again!”
“And this week you’ve even been liking tweets that call your own fans morons!”
“Who do you get your PR advice from? Piers Morgan?” added Sugar, ticking the box for the obligatory Morgan jibe in this week;’s episode. “What do you have to say for yourself in this bloody shambles?” he then asked a sweating Gold, who, before he could speak, was immediately cut off by the business behemoth.
“Alright, I’ve heard enough from you. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t fire the two of you right now.”
Silently, Gold passed over a list of the 20 richest clubs in world football, with West Ham highlighted in 18th.
“Hmmm… He makes a strong case Claude”, and the assistants nodded, impressed.
“Alright then, back to the house the pair of you, but I don’t want to see you two in here again before the end of the season”, and they shuffled from the room, hugging each other just outside the door.
“Can’t believe we got away with it again!” Sullivan was overheard to say on the way to their taxi.