Stop the presses. Wayne Rooney is going to play for England again.
Before you get too excited, however, the bad news is that the DC United forward’s 120th Three Lions appearance won’t be in a competitive match as part of a grand career comeback, but rather in a testimonial-style charity game against the USA partly in aid of the Wayne Rooney Foundation. Which, apparently, will count towards his total of England caps.
Opinion has been divided as to Wazza’s re-emergence onto the international scene, with some observers denoting it as a sham. Others see the match as a harmless way to say goodbye properly to a legend while at the same time making a bit of cash for a good cause.
We’re undecided either way, but we reckon we’ve got some better ideas as to how The FA could have chosen to honour their record goalscorer.
Throw a fancy-dress party in an old folk’s home
History suggests that Rooney has great affection for the elderly and just generally loves nothing more than spending time around senior citizens. So what better way to make the lad happy than to give him another opportunity to do so?
He’s rumoured to have been very generous to certain members of this demographic back in the day, and we’re sure that he’d enjoy it even more if a fancy-dress element was added to the gathering.
Bardsley v Rooney II
We know that the Liverpudlian loves a brawl.
Or at least, there’s evidence to suggest that he willingly gets involved in them:
Throwback to when Phil Bardsley knocked out Wayne Rooney with a jab. 😂🥊 pic.twitter.com/Cmls8bzMOS
— Football Tweet (@Football__Tweet) June 29, 2017
Bardsley v Rooney I didn’t go quite as well as Rooney’s corner would have hoped, but he’s done enough to deserve another shot at the champ.
If people are willing to shell out for tickets to watch Anthony Joshua pummel a succession of no-hopers, they’ll surely do the same to watch a slightly fat, no-longer-balding ginger lad get sparked out in 20 seconds by a Burnley fullback.
A Whitney Houston hologram tribute gig
Rooney was reportedly devastated when the American songstress passed away back in 2012.
Whitney has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @
— Wayne Rooney (@WayneRooney) February 12, 2012
We’re sure it was just pure emotion that motivated this touching tribute. The fact he sent it at 2.39am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning is purely incidental.
Anyway, why make the poor rascal run around a massive football pitch when he could be nicely tucked up in a corporate box watching a hologram version of Whitney belting out ‘I will always love you’ in front of a tearful packed house at Wembley?
Order him a special edition VW Beetle
Sadly for Wayne, who is believed to have developed a ‘special connection’ with the model in recent years, it was recently announced that Volkswagen are to cease production of the Beetle from 2019.
We think it would be fitting if the bigwigs at The FA were to use their considerable influence in order to present Wayne with a customised, one-off edition of the car. Maybe a Herbie-style trim with a number 10 on the bonnet.
Not only would he be able to pick up Rio Ferdinand in the morning in style, but he’d look the biz on those late-night trips around Cheshire.