It’s a Christmas miracle! Reports are currently doing the rounds that Mesut Ozil has finally agreed to put pen to paper on a new deal at Arsenal.
This means that Steve Bould can finally put away his straight razor and Arsene Wenger can wheel the London Colney torture rack back into its cupboard until next year.
With the Gunners once again struggling in the Premier League, many will be wondering how exactly Le Professeur managed to persuade the German to stay in north London. Astronomical wages? Exceptional bonuses? A new snood?
*Well, we just so happen to have gotten our hands on a copy of Mesut’s new blood-smeared contract and you may be surprised at some of his crazy demands.
Firstly, his pug, Balboa, will replace Atom and Humber as the official canine mascot of Arsenal Football Club
At the beginning of 2017, Gooners managed to find the most embarrassing way possible of trying to convince Alexis Sanchez to stay in north London. We rallied together and had banners made for the Chilean’s life partners – his dogs Atom and Humber – and hung up at the Emirates.
It’s like when you know your partner is about to leave you so you make a grand gesture, like buying an engraved pen or something, and you’re met with that tight-lipped half-smile where you know they’re trying to be polite but inside they’re thinking, “What a twat.”
That’s right. Whenever Arsenal fans visit our home stadium – our fortress – we’ve affronted by these two quite frankly ridiculous images of Alexis embracing his fury friends.
If that’s not sad enough, it doesn’t even seem as if the 29-year-old gave a shit. At least Mesut would at least pretend to. Or whoever runs his social media accounts would…
Free blonde highlights for the duration of his contract
The playmaker has been channelling his inner-Backstreet Boy this season with some rather fetching blonde highlights. However, as anyone who has bleached their hair blonde will know, they need to be maintained.
Therefore, whenever his locks are looking a bit drab or, dare I say, ginger, we’ll bring in a hairdresser to freshen them up. Perhaps they could replace Colin Lewin on the bench?
A two-week mid-season holiday ‘injury’
The former Real Madrid midfielder has struggled with the Premier League’s lack of winter break during chilly festive. Well, struggle no more, Mesut!
We will allow him to be ‘injured’ for two weeks over Christmas. That’s two weeks of selfie-taking in his expensive cars and pretending to enjoy Pro Evo completely uninterrupted!
Arsenal will change their club motto from ‘Victoria Concordia Crescit’ to ‘Ya Gunners, Ya!’
Mesut has barely learned any English since moving to London four years ago, but he has learned how to say “Yes Gunners, yes!” and we think that’s beautiful. It seems the club do as well because part of the 29-year-old’s new contract includes changing our historic motto from ‘Victoria Concordia Crescit’ – Victory grows through Harmony – to the German’s trademark phrase.
£1,000 bonus each time a pundit refers to him as ‘lazy’, ‘disinterested’, ‘that’s why he’s so frustrating’ or comments on his body language
This bonus alone is expected to net Mesut a cool £570,000 over the course of a 38-game Premier League season.
Control of the transfer incomings
Mesut’s sick of laying chance after chance on a plate and Arsenals’ forwards either passing the ball off the pitch, lobbing the goal entirely or getting disposed.
Although, to be fair, this problem could probably be solved by locking Alexis in the same cupboard we kept Yaya Sanogo and Mathieu Debuchy in for months on end.
Arsene Wenger will remain manager until Mesut retires from playing
It’s a well-known fact that Mesut loves Wenger and the Frenchman was crucial when it came to the German leaving Madrid for the Gunners in 2013. Therefore, as part of Mesut’s contract, the 67-year-old has to stay at Arsenal as long as Mesut wants. Not that Wenger took much persuading…
Some say the boss never leaves London Colney anyway. Instead of going home when the rest of the squad and staff have finished training, he merely takes off his coat and shoes and folds himself up inside a desk draw in his office.
Salt Bae to join backroom staff
The handsome steak seasoner became famous when he was made into a meme in January 2017 and it soon hit the press that Salt Bae is indeed one of Mesut’s besties, Turkish chef Nusret Gökçe. Not only will Salt Bae, which will be his official title at London Colney, become head chef behind the scenes, he’ll also be allowed on the training ground and pitch-side during match days in case Mesut’s in need of some gentle, seasoning-based comedy.
— B I Z (@Shaybiz_) December 17, 2017
Living the dream, is our Mesut.
Granted Mesut’s new contract demands are a bit out-there. But when you think about it, is a player who’s been on north London four years wanting to dictate the entire way Arsenal Football Club is run really that crazy?
*No we haven’t.