Manchester United have approached Newcastle sporting director Dan Ashworth about selling them his laptop.
It follows reports Newcastle are demanding a compensation fee of more than £10million for the former FA technical director and claims by the Times’ Henry Winter that Ashworth’s laptop contains a detailed dossier on every player elite player in world football.
And after baulking at Newcastle’s compensation demands, the Glazer family and Sir Jim Ratcliffe have instead sanctioned a bid for Ashworth’s laptop instead.
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‘The club is prepared to offer Mr Ashworth 500 quid plus Antony which is equivalent to 505 quid according to current market values’, Joel Glazer told Paddy Power News.
‘Given Dan’s meticulous recruiting, I’m sure he’s well aware of Antony’s pointlessly spinning around in circles capabilities.
‘I’m even willing to throw in this 2015 fax machine as a sweetener. It jams the odd time, but a good whack usually sorts it out’, said the 56-year-old while hitting the bit of old office equipment.
However, in a stunning twist, Ashworth released a statement this morning saying the laptop has been damaged in what he described as an act of sabotage.
‘This morning at approximately 0930hrs, my beloved laptop was water damaged when Mr Jason Tindall knocked a Sports Direct mug filled with coffee over it’.
‘While Mr Tindall maintains it was an accident, I have reasons to believe his actions were deliberate, especially as he beckoned all the first team players and coaching staff into my office after the incident to laugh and point at me while singing “where’s your laptop gone, where’s your laptop gone” and so on’.
‘Years and years of detailed analysis of Dan Burn’s turning circle washed away in a tidal wave of NESCAFÉ Gold Blend. It’s a travesty.
Despite this, United sources claim the club would still consider a deal for the laptop now involving a straight swap for Brazilian winger Antony.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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