Reports are reaching us of Steven Gerrard’s “devastation” at having signed a new contract with Al-Ettifaq in Saudi Arabia following Jurgen Klopp’s announcement that he’s to leave Liverpool at the end of the season.
The Reds legend spent Friday morning in close consultation with trusted associates desperately trying to find a way to wriggle out of his new two year deal in the wake of the grinning German’s planned departure.
He initially decided to hand in his resignation despite the new contract and fly directly back to Liverpool to expected throngs of fans welcoming his return.
“Yeah, I imagine it’ll be like the Beatles or something like that, but instead of teenage girls flinging their knickers at us, it’ll be chubby blokes hurling shirts two-sizes too small,” his agent mused as they checked the fine-print of his contract.
“Everyone’s forgot about that stint at Villa by now,” another member of his management agency claimed.
“It’s not like they’ve suddenly gone on an incredible run of form, turning into Premier League title challengers with hopes of Champions League qualification within a year of you getting sacked, is it?” they continued, before someone quickly looked up the Premier League table.
“Ah, as long as Tyrone Mings doesn’t sign for Liverpool in January, it all should be fine.”
“And regardless, there’s everything you did at Rangers too – Graeme Souness won the league there and look at what a success he was at Live… err… ummm…”
“Well, it can only be a matter of time before all other 19 Premier League clubs put Neil Lennon in charge anyway,” some other lackey chipped in.
“And the effect you’ve had here at Al-Ettifaq is incredible – two men and their dogs are turning up to games now. TWO!
“That’s a 100% increase.”
However, the positive mood soon turned to despair as a line-by-line reading of his recently updated contract revealed some unforeseen obstacles to a glorious Merseyside return.
“You mean I’ve to pay 295% tax on everything they’ve paid me already if I break the contract?! Who agreed to that?!!?” an irate Gerrard roared during a fraught Zoom call.
“I’d swear at you right now but they chucked a bloke in prison for ninety-days when he stubbed his little toe on the leg of the bed and screamed ‘f**k that’s sore’ the other day, so I’m not taking any chances.”
“And this bit about having to personally deliver my resignation ‘without wearing anything that might impede access to your neck’ really gives me the creeps if I’m honest, lads.”
The 43-year-old then attempted to turn his thoughts back to his current role.
AL DAMMAM, SAUDI ARABIA – NOVEMBER 24: Steven Gerrard coach of Al Ettifaq after the Saudi Pro League match between Al-Ettifaq and Al-Ittihad at Al Ettifaq Stadium on November 24, 2023 in Al Dammam, Saudi Arabia. (Photo by Yasser Bakhsh/Getty Images)
“Honestly, I’m gutted. I don’t how I’m going to prepare the lads for this week’s game against Robinho’s brother, Ali Dia and nine blokes who’ll be working on a building site as soon as the arse falls out of this league,” he said.
“I mean, have you seen the crowds? You’d get bigger attendances at a charity fundraiser for Tom Hicks and George Gillett on wet Tuesday night in Toxteth.”
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Gerrard will most likely have to watch from afar as someone else takes the Anfield hotseat from Klopp, 56, who said in a statement that he is “running out of energy” having spent over a decade at Anfield winning trophies, leaping along the touchline and coming up with new excuses whenever his side lost.
“It takes it out of you. There’s only so much bullsh*t in every man. I’ve used all mine up.
“I mean, can you believe I said Alisson’s cold feet cost us a game against City?
“That’s when I knew I was near the end.”
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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