Bayern Munich are reportedly chasing the signature of ex-Tottenham Hotspur striker Vincent Janssen amid a sudden fascination at the reigning Bundesliga champions with ex-players from the North London club.
Our sources tell us that Bayern’s talent scouts settled on the Dutch striker as a target while browsing the Spurs Wikipedia page for former players having already signed Harry Kane and Eric Dier as well as being linked with Kieran Trippier.
Asked to explain why a club that wins so much is signing a bunch of serial bottlers, a source at the Bavarian club explained:
“It’s only natural that a club with the long tradition of winning everything in sight packs it’s first team squad full of guys who’ve won f**k all…
“And possibly sh*t, admittedly, but it is only the Bundesliga, after all,” our source said.
The moves are also being interpreted by some as an attempt to make star striker Harry Kane feel more at home in the German city following his summer switch from Tottenham.
“What better way yo make Harry feel at home than by surrounding him with the mediocrity he’s used to at Spurs?” a Bayern observer opined when asked.
Janssen’s mooted move prompted a worldwide search by the Munich scouting department for a player who had seemingly dropped from the face of the earth following a rough spell at White Hart Lane.
While initial efforts to track down the multi-million pound flop tending the garden on Daniel Levy’s estate in a bid to get some use out of him proved fruitless, the lanky forward was finally traced to a Tibetan monastery nestled deep within the crevasses of the Himalayas.
The 29-year-old was found to have renounced modern life for an existence of peaceful contemplation having heard enough Talksport callers calling him useless to last a lifetime.
“I’d had enough of the cr*p on social media, radio, podcasts, so the gaffer told me I should try some meditation to forget about it all.
“The key was to rid my mind of all desires for material success – which was quite easy playing for Spurs to be fair cos we all knew we’d win nothing there” he explained.
“When the instructor told me I needed to think of nothing while meditating, I just pictured the club’s trophy room. Simple.”
From then on, the Eredivisie goal-getter found it made a huge difference to his game. “Oh yes, a huge improvement, it really changed my approach to football. Of course, I still was not scoring goals, but now I didn’t care either.”
And when the Rongbuk monastery made an offer for his services as his contract was winding down, he knew it was the right move.
Now banging goals in against elderly monks in kickabouts, Janssen is unsure whether he will take up the offer from the German giants.
“Give up a life of peace and serenity to be bollocked by Tommy Tuchel every time Eric Dier mishits a pass to me? I came here to escape all that,” he said.
“I definitely need some time to think it over. Here’s to 14 years of silent contemplation,” he said before closing with an “ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
Should the move fall through Munich are said to have a number of back-up options in mind, including Lucas Moura, Fernando Llorente and Dele Alli, while they’ve also contacted Ryan Mason about a possible role as caretaker manager in the event that Thomas Tuchel leaves his post.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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