According to reports coming from the North Pole, Gucci sliders, a bumper contract offer from Chelsea and an appearance on Love Island are three of the many things lower league footballers have on their Christmas wish list this year.
With mulled wine flowing and bells ringing, Paddy Power News spoke exclusively to to one elf, on condition of anonymity, who informed us of some of the best items which have made it onto this year’s wish list from those more famous faces in and around the beautiful game…
Moises Caicedo – a time machine
The Chelsea star has realised moving to Stamford Bridge instead of Anfield was a mistake and would like to go back in time and change his decision. Unsurprisingly, this has been a common request among footballers based in the West London region this year.
Michael Owen – more apples
It takes an elite mentality to get an apple core in the bin without hitting the wall, and Owen has that in abundance. A fantastic way to prove how brave, confident, and interesting he is.
— Accidental Partridge (@AccidentalP) December 10, 2023
Erik ten Hag – Whack-a-mole
How to play: take the rubber hammer and whack the mole in this fun game. Then bring the rubber hammer to the United training ground and repeat.
Eddie Howe – a new physio
Newcastle have had 37 players injured at any given time this season, so at what point does Howe start pointing fingers at his Sunderland-born physio?
Joey Barton – a brain
Well, technically, he’s asked for a new brain, but that implies he had an old one.
Mikel Arteta – Spiderman costume
Arteta has a weekly rant about VAR, so is bound back on the Stockley Park room in another VARthers For Justice campaign. Get the man a costume. Plus, the web shooters will come in very handy when he’s swinging around the Emirates capacious technical area.
Cristian Romero – yoga lessons
Kicking, stamping, late tackles, high tackles, picking needless fights. Can Santa help him channel that unnecessary aggression? Namaste.
Big Ange – nothin’ mate
Despite not wanting anything for Christmas, Spurs fans have started a GoFundMe page to get a statue of the popular Ozzie erected in his honour.
Kalvin Phillips – a transfer
The nicest boy in football just wants to play. Apparently, he’s so desperate for minutes that he’d even consider a move to the SPL. Sad.
Demba Ba – 3L bottle of syrup
The former Newcastle and Chelsea star loves syrup so much.
Sean Dyche – his ten points back
He doesn’t want anything new, he just wants those ten points returned safe and sound. If he gets them, Everton could well be in with a shout for European football. Imagine that!?
Kevin Keegan – to beat them
Apparently Keegan has told Santa that he’s got to go to Middlesbrough and get something and he’d love it if he beat them, love it.
*Paddy Power’s news coverage is pure fantasy – don’t believe it for a second
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