Former Manchester United star Gary Neville blames the Glazers, Storm Ciaran and biological agents released from aircraft for the club’s Carabao Cup defeat against Newcastle.
While criticism has been directed at manager Erik Ten Hag and his players, Neville believes the responsibility for last night’s dismal performance should be put on United’s owners, the adverse weather conditions and a conspiracy involving secret germ warfare tests.
‘People will point the finger at the manager but how can you expect him to get the best out of these players when there’s a yellow weather warning out there?’, Neville told Paddy Power News.
‘The players’ heads have gone when they heard the forecast before the game’.
‘Some of the lads in that changing room will be sat there before kick-off thinking: ‘Has my wheelie bin blown over? Has my trampoline taken flight and ended up three gardens down?’.
‘I’ve been in that position before where my garden gnome blew over and smashed to pieces. I felt for those lads out there’.
Neville also claims the United players were sprayed with chemicals by a plane carrying a ‘Ten Hag Out’ banner which flew over Old Trafford during the game.
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – JANUARY 23: Manchester United fans, wearing green and gold scarves, protest against the Glazers, current owners of Manchester United before the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and Hull City at Old Trafford on January 23, 2010 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)
‘People will question the players’ hunger and desire but how can you expect them to perform with all those chem trails in the sky?’.
‘Shadowy government forces are spraying these lads with a mind controlling agent which is making them play like the over 75s five-a-side team in Father Ted. How else can you explain Antony’s performance?’.
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When pressed on how shite United have played this season, Neville snapped:
‘Do you want me sit here and throw these players under a bus or are we going to address some of the bigger issues surrounding this club like Big Pharma, Bill Gates and the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department?’.
‘Oh, and yes the Glazers are responsible. It’s how it works. You own a business and spend over a billion on players but you still need 10 minutes injury time to beat Brentford at home. And where was Joel Glazer tracking Almirón’s run for the opening goal last night? The whole thing’s rotten to the core. Where’s my f**king Norwich scarf?’.
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