The Premier League have announced that a cricket umpire will be assisting match officials during Sunday’s Manchester derby after reviewing Manchester United’s performances this season.
Some analysts said United’s on-field displays are like ‘watching a blindfolded arthritic chimpanzee playing FIFA on the Xbox for the first time’.
While others claim that assessment would be ‘an insult to all arthritic chimpanzees across the globe’.
And while United have struggled for form this season, their cross-city rivals continue to impress both domestically and in Europe.
The damning study prompted Premier League bosses to reach out to the England and Wales Cricket Board with boffins predicting a ‘cricket score’.
‘All the critical data would suggest that City will pump United on Sunday’, one researcher told Paddy Power News.
‘We concluded the on-field officials would require some assistance in keeping track of the score.
‘One person suggested they should use VAR. The whole room just erupted with laughter. People were hysterical.
‘Anyway, when the laughter finally subsided, we tried to come up with some serious suggestions. And that’s when the ECB was mentioned’.
LONDON, ENGLAND – SEPTEMBER 15: Umpire Martin Saggers signals four runs during the 4th Metro Bank One Day International between England and New Zealand at Lord’s Cricket Ground on September 15, 2023 in London, England. (Photo by Gareth Copley/Getty Images)
‘However, given the enormity of the task, it is our recommendation the cricket umpire receives additional support from Countdown’s Rachel Riley and Dustin Hoffman’s character in the movie Rain Man’.
In related news, United boss Erik ten Hag expressed concerns that goalkeeper André Onana could be at serious risk of injury on Sunday.
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The 53-year-old is fearful the Cameroonian international might fall victim to a repetitive strain type injury when he comes up against City goal machine Erling Haaland.
‘You cannot expect a goalkeeper to pick the ball out of the net that many times without hurting his back’, the Dutchman told Paddy Power News.
‘Fortunately, André has had lots of practice this season and his back should be well warmed up’.
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is pure fantasy – if you believe this is true we’ve got some magic beans to sell you
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