Premier League Predictions: Here’s what Paddy expects to happen in 2023/24

The best league in the world is back this weekend and Paddy's been gazing into his crystal ball to pull out some predictions for the season

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AUGUST:

Thousands of Newcastle fans are left stranded in Manchester after their match against City does not finish until 2am on Sunday morning due to the amount of time added on for goal celebrations, substitutions and time wasting.

Anthony Martial becomes the most expensive mascot in history when he agrees a new two-year deal to take over as Fred the Red at Manchester United. The Frenchman immediately pulls up injured celebrating United’s opening goal of the season at home to Wolves.

Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp begins moaning about fixture congestion.

SEPTEMBER:

Manchester City are drawn against PSG for the tenth year in a row in the Champions League. Pep Guardiola admits that he is so bored with the group stages and says he’ll leave the players to “sort themselves out.”

Arsenal set the pace at the top of the Premier League, but we all know how this one ends.

On advice of doctors, Everton boss Sean Dyche takes a vow of silence for the entire season, to preserve his vocal cords.

OCTOBER:

Luton Town still haven’t played a home fixture this season, with EPL chiefs threatening to force the Hatters to use a local park if Kenilworth Road does not meet minimum standards soon. Rob Edwards is subsequently seen clearing up dog s**t before their clash against Spurs.

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Arsenal and Manchester City draw 0-0 in a game described as “one for the purists” by those who managed to stay awake for the full 112 minutes.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion and selects himself to play in Liverpool’s Carabao Cup tie away at Bristol City.

NOVEMBER:

Danny Dyer is the bookies favourite to replace David Moyes after he’s finally sacked following a loss to Nottingham Forest.

In North London, Arsenal continue to set the pace, but we all know how this one ends.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion.

LIVERPOOL – Liverpool FC coach Jurgen Klopp during the press conference ahead of the Champions League match against Ajax Amsterdam at Anfield on September 12, 2022 in Liverpool, United Kingdom. ANP MAURICE VAN STEEN (Photo by ANP via Getty Images)

DECEMBER:

Crystal Palace boss Roy Hodgson is sent to the BBC’s Repair Shop, after concerns about his ability to manage at the top level, but is given the all-clear.

Arsenal top the Premier League at the end of the year, but we all know how this one ends.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion and has every right to, after his Liverpool side must play four matches in as many days over the festive period.

JANUARY:

The winter transfer window is open and after failing to land any more Brighton players, Chelsea owner Todd Boehly decides instead to buy the entire city.

Spurs attempt to lure a homesick Harry Kane back by offering him a position in the club megastore when he retires.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – MAY 20: Danny Dyer (R) plays during the Celebrity Soccer Six 2012 Tournament at Upton Park on May 20, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Stuart Wilson/Getty Images)

After an impressive start in charge at West Ham, Danny Dyer is criticised for having to miss three matches due to EastEnders commitments. Harry Redknapp steps in on an interim basis and immediately spends whatever’s left of the Declan Rice money on Benjani and Niko Kranjcar.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion.

FEBRUARY:

Luton’s park pitch causes controversy against Manchester United when a Ross Barkley effort is chalked off despite replays showing that the ball went through a hole in the netting. This was not picked up by VAR.

Manchester City face Porto in the last 16 of the Champions League for the tenth year running.

Pep decides to go to see Harry Styles in concert at the Manchester Arena instead.

Arsenal’s lead at the top of the table is cut to three points. Boss Mikel Arteta claims it is “Good to drop points” and that it will “Focus his squad’s attention on the run-in.”

Manchester United retain the Carabao Cup after their final opponents, Liverpool, get stuck in a Just Stop Oil protest and fail to make it to Wembley. Despite this, Jurgen Klopp STILL continues to moan about fixture congestion.

MARCH:

Arsenal are knocked out of the Champions League by Real Madrid before being humiliated 5-0 by Manchester City in what is effectively a title decider.

Gunners boss Mikel Arteta claims afterwards that it was “Good to lose this game” and that it will “Focus his players minds for the run-in” despite City moving into a six-point lead at the summit.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion.

 APRIL:

Arsenal fall away in the title race, but we all knew that already.

City striker Erling Haaland is criticised by Pep Guardiola for only scoring 68 goals in his second season in English football.

PepGuardiolaManCityAug21

Newcastle’s European adventure comes to an end following a hard-fought defeat to Inter Milan which means for the second year running, Manchester City will coast to a final win against the Italian side.

City book their place in the final by beating Real Madrid in the semis. Guardiola decides to visit family in Barcelona rather than accompany the squad to the Bernabeu.

Jurgen Klopp continues to moan about fixture congestion.

MAY:

Manchester City miss out on a Double Treble by somehow losing the FA Cup Final to Aston Villa, of all teams.

Haaland wins the PFA Player of the Year again and picks up his award wearing a Friesian cow onesie.

Declan Rice wins the Football Writers’ Player of the Season because they are all a snobby bunch who are London-centric.

Sean Dyche starts talking once again.

Jurgen Klopp moans about the summer break being “too short” following the European Championships in Germany.

*Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% nonsense, but you knew that already… didn’t you?

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