Chelsea and Tottenham chiefs have joined forces to build a secret, state of the art laboratory, where it is understood that boffins are using Artificial Intelligence to build robot managers for both clubs ahead of next season.
Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal that the two London clubs, who are both having seasons to forget, are developing this new technology in a desperate attempt to get their seats back at football’s top table.
A Chelsea spokesperson said: “Everyone is talking about Mauricio Pochettino taking over at the Bridge, but that is simply not the case.
“Todd Boehly is examining all avenues to try to get Chelsea back in the Champions League and having already blown 500 million on a load of offal, he’s taking this one last gamble to try to get things right.”
Over in north London, a Tottenham insider told Paddy Power News how:
“Nobody wants to come here next season so we might as well give this robot thing a whirl and see what happens.”
We managed to catch up with one of the scientists who has been tasked with building the robots for both clubs. They were keen to explain that they needed to get it right immediately.
They said: “It’s a complex undertaking and there’s no room for error.
“Let’s look at Chelsea for example, we’ve taken DNA samples from Jose Mourinho, Carlo Ancelotti and Gus Hiddink to try to build the perfect machine.
“What we must be careful about, is cross contamination. If samples of DNA from Andre Villas-Boas or “Big” Phil Scolari go into the system, we would have a disaster on our hands.”
Security is understood to be tight for the experiment too.
They added: “Everyone who visits the lab must go through rigorous testing. The other day, someone who had been in close contact with Frank Lampard nearly sneaked in. Thankfully they were caught just in time and they are now spending seven days in quarantine.”
So, what about Spurs?
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“It’s a little different with Tottenham” they explained. “They have only had one half-decent manager in the past 40 years, so trying to pair other DNA with that from Pochettino is proving difficult.
“People may be wondering why we cannot just split the Mourinho DNA for instance, but we have only got good Jose samples from that coat he left behind at Stamford Bridge in 2007.
“Any Mourinho DNA from 2013 onwards would not be worth the test tube it’s collected in.”
*Paddy Power’s football coverage is 100% fake news. Honest.
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