Flare sales soar as England hammer Iran in World Cup opener

A&E's are braced for a busy few weeks

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Sales of handheld signal flares have shot up by over 120% following England’s 6-2 spanking of Iran at the World Cup, Paddy Power News can reveal.

Experts believe there is a direct correlation between the Three Lions’ victory over Carlos Queiroz’s side and the surge in demand for flares amongst jubilant England supporters.

England fan park

England emerged victorious from their Group B opener with a comfortable victory over Iran sparking joyous scenes back home.

Head of research at the Institute of Ridiculous Studies, Dr Steph O’Scope told us:

‘England fans are renowned for mistaking victories over group stage cannon fodder such as Iran, Panama or Trinidad & Tobago as a sign they’ll win the tournament’.

‘Such delusions have side effects including: decorating the front of your house with St George’s Flags; believing the phrase ‘It’s coming home’, is a suitable response to every question and of course, placing a lit signal flare between your buttocks’.

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‘As this graph clearly demonstrates, early tournament overoptimism runs parallel to the desire to have a lighted rocket shoved up your a*se by an inebriated friend’.

Discussing the findings with Paddy Power News, England fan Mr Aris Saul said:

’66 had Pickles the dog. 96 had Baddiel & Skinner and 2021 was synonymous with running about Trafalgar Square with a pyrotechnic distress flare up your hole’.

LONDON, ENGLAND – JUNE 29: Fans of England celebrate their side’s victory after the UEFA Euro 2020 Championship Round of 16 match between England and Germany at Wembley Stadium on June 29, 2021 in London, England. (Photo by Matthew Childs – Pool/Getty Images)

‘I tried to beat the rush and ordered 10 this morning. Enough for the whole family’.

Meanwhile, England boss Gareth Southgate has urged England fans to enjoy the moment but not to get too carried away.

‘Of course, I’m happy with an emphatic result  like this but my bum is going to approach each game one flare at a time’.

‘The players are in dressing room watching videos of their loved ones lighting each other’s flares and throwing patio chairs about their own gardens. It’s quite emotional in there’.

When asked if he’d be slipping a flare between his own a*se cheeks tonight, the 52-year-old said:

‘I’ll save that for when we win the World Cup. Maybe just a candle tonight’.

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