Cristiano Ronaldo is said to be recovering well after undergoing a complicated 4-hour procedure to have Piers Morgan’s head surgically removed from his a*se.
Morgan’s head got lodged up Ronaldo’s backside while conducting an interview with the Portuguese about his disillusionment with life at Manchester United.
NEW TO PADDY POWER NEWS?
Doctors claim the operation was a success and they successfully extracted around 95% of the Talk TV presenter’s head.
‘We can confirm Mr Ronaldo underwent a Piers-rectomy this morning’, Dr Steph O’Scope told Paddy Power News.
‘Having a head surgically removed from your a*se is tricky enough but to have a head the size of Piers Morgan’s removed is a different ball game entirely’.
‘I mean, have you seen the size of that thing? It’s so big his passport photo’s on two pages!’
‘The operation was a success. Mr Ronaldo is sitting up in bed and reading through his sister’s passive-aggressive Instagram posts about Erik Ten Hag’.
When asked if they also managed to remove Rio Ferdinand’s head from the 5-time Ballon D’or winner’s rear, the doctor said:
‘No. It’s just lodged too far up there’.
In the wake of Ronaldo’s explosive interview, Manchester United have released a statement praising the 37-year-old’s performance.
‘It was undoubtedly Cristiano’s best 90 minutes of the season’, said a club spokesperson.
‘We’d like to thank him for throwing everyone including the club chef under a bus before f**king off on a plane to Qatar’.
- WHERE IS HE GOING NEXT? Here’s the Cristiano Ronaldo next club odds
Meanwhile, with speculation mounting that Ronaldo has played his last game in a Manchester United shirt, the Old Trafford outfit have been linked with a host of former strikers who could replace him.
‘Mark Hughes, Andy Cole and Dennis Law have been earmarked as potential replacements’, a club source told Paddy Power News.
‘They fit in the criteria in that they used to play for the club before it was sh*t, they’re well past their prime and they wouldn’t cost the owners a penny to sign’.
Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.
- Elon Musk to charge Liverpool $8-a-month after takeover
- Paddy’s got a special offer on your World Cup top scorer bets
- England World Cup predicted line-up: Paddy’s prices for Southgate’s starting XI v Iran
- CROUCH: Spurs fans will tolerate dull Conte – but only if he lands trophies