Business magnate Elon Musk has said he will charge $8 monthly to every Liverpool supporter around the world after a hostile takeover of the Merseyside club.
As part of a raft of new rules Mr Musk intends to implement at Anfield, Reds fans must fork out eight dollars every month or be ‘permanently suspended’ from watching their side.
“Power to the people! Reds for $8/month,” tweeted the 51-year-old billionaire.
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“Anyone who refuses to pay will be permanently suspended from attending games at Anfield. The punishment will be adjusted by supporter, proportionate to financial circumstances or proximity to the stadium.
“For example, non-match going Reds living outside the Merseyside area will have their televisions ripped off the wall.
“In return, fans will receive a little red liver bird emoji via text message. Texts charged at your standard rate plus an additional $8.”
Musk fought off stiff competition from nuclear power tycoon C. Montgomery Burns, emperor of Mongo Ming the Merciless and purveyor of unnecessarily large tea mugs Mike Ashley to buy the Premier League club.
The news has come as huge blow to Liverpool supporters who were hoping the club would be purchased using some of that grubby oil money they’ve criticised heavily since the acquisitions of Manchester City and Newcastle by Middle Eastern consortiums.
“I was hoping a wealthy sheik would come to Liverpool and make a complete mockery of the FFP rules in January,” said one Liverpool fan, who stayed up all night deleting thousands of derogatory tweets about Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Sheikh Mansour.
Meanwhile, Liverpool owners Fenway Sports Group have finally broken their silence on why they sold the club amid much speculation.
“We keep drawing Real Madrid in the Champions League. That’s f**king why,” John W Henry told Paddy Power News.
“And Camila Cabello is sh*te. Give me Taylor Swift any day.”
- Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is just complete nonsense, every word of it. Honest.
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