Breaking news: Erik ten Hag uncovers secret ketchup stash at Carrington ​

We've got a cast-iron sauce on it. Heh.

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Thousands of ketchup sachets have been discovered at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex, Paddy Power News understands.

New coach Erik ten Hag informed his squad this week of his five golden rules –  including the dismissal of personal chefs and overhaul of the club canteen menu to include more fish and veggies.

ARNHEM, NETHERLANDS – MAY 15: AFC Ajax Head Coach / Manager, Erik ten Hag looks on prior to the Dutch Eredivisie match between Vitesse and Ajax Amsterdam held at Gelredome on May 15, 2022 in Arnhem, Netherlands. (Photo by Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images)

But the message has been slow to get through to some of the playing staff, with used packets of tomato sauce littering the Carrington cafeteria.

“Erik was fuming and immediately got the sniffer dogs in to track down the source” we were told.

“When he says zero tolerance he means it, and you never know what else they might find – Edinson Cavani’s hiding spot, a transfer target who hasn’t played for Ajax, a clue for the Glazers about what they’re f**king doing…”

Though it didn’t take the hounds long to track down a saucy stash.

“Even we were shocked when we found crates full of sauce hidden in the cupboard under the stairs beneath a load of old coats.”

Soccer Football – Champions League – Group Stage – Group H – Manchester United v Valencia – Old Trafford, Manchester, Britain – October 2, 2018 General view inside the stadium before the match REUTERS/Phil Noble

“They all had labels with ‘to be destroyed by order of David Moyes’ on them. – some were out of date for over five years!”

“Clearly someone had been sneaking them out all this time.”

Indeed, an investigation is now underway to discover who knew about the collection of what one source called “red gold”, with several members of staff already quizzed by the new manager.

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“Everyone’s blaming someone else – it’s just like watching United after they’ve conceded, to be honest.”

“Luke Shaw’s cracked already and confessed to squeezing packets into his mouth because some older boys said they were “vitamins’,” we were told.

“Cristiano Ronaldo’s looking for a move after being questioned while insinuating that club captain Harry Maguire might be responsible for no reason in particular.

MUNICH, GERMANY – JUNE 18: Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal looks on during the Portugal Training Session ahead of the UEFA Euro 2020 Group F match between Portugal and Germany at Fussball Arena Muenchen on June 18, 2021 in Munich, Germany. (Photo by Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images)

“And Donny van de Beek is due in for questioning once he’s completed an operation to have the final few splinters removed from his a*se.”

For now it remains a mystery, but Ten Hag is determined to implement his rules, whatever the consequences – and will not be afraid to add to them if necessary.

“He’s waiting until the season starts to ban post-match apologies from social media.”

United’s social intern is said to be “gutted” by the reports, We were told: “He knows his performance hasn’t been good enough, that standards are high at a great club like Man United and the fans expect the best from their social media posters,” before saying “Hashtag We Go Again” while pumping his right arm like the strong emoji three times.

The Red Devils fly off on Friday to begin their preseason tour with four left-backs, no centre forward and hopes fading that they’ll secure the entire Ajax squad before the start of the Premier League season.

*Paddy Power’s breaking football news coverage is 100% fake news*

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