Despite retiring from the NFL less than six weeks ago, NFL legend Tom Brady has chosen to reverse his retirement and re-join the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after a recent trip to Old Trafford for a Premier League encounter between Man United and Spurs.
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With the sporting world assuming an inspirational performance from 37-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo could have been the catalyst for Brady deciding he wanted to carry on, the 44-year-old quarterback offered a different perspective when speaking to local journalists about what his future now looks like.
“Did you see the state of them?! It was like watching my kid play junior soccer.
“If that is elite level sport in England, I’m sure I could give the NFL another five years before having a full 15-year career as a centre half in the Premier League,” Brady told a reporter.
“My plan is to drop out of the NFL when I hit 50, move my family to England and join a Premier League team as a defender. Even in my 50s and 60s.
“There’s no way I’d be any worse than what was on show at Old Trafford.
“This Maguire guy looks slower than my 118-year-old granny – who’s still has a weekly octogenarians-and-over 5-a-side, by the way.”
“Sure, you crazy British guys might not use your hands in a game you call ‘football’ – how random is that? – or don’t call your championship winners ‘world champions’, but this soccer match was the most entertaining shower of sh*t I’ve ever put my eyes on.
“The players had no awareness, no athleticism, no skill. I could replace every defender on that pitch if I wanted to.
WWatching the ball bounce off the Hotspur players reminded me of the pinball machines I used to play in the penny arcades of the early 20th century, before TV was invented.
“Ralf, Antonio, I’m available. Let’s get this contract lined up for 2027. Give me a call.”
The legendary ‘football” player did offer compliments to an actual football legend, Cristiano Ronaldo, whom he spoke with for some time after the game.
“I’m proud to call Cristiano my friend. He taught me the meaning of ‘SIIIUUUU’.
“I’ll be shouting it after every touchdown next season. At least until some 350lb bonecrusher gets fed up of hearing it and sits on me.
“But seriously, Cris is a real inspiration – he has incredibly groomed eyebrows and a poppin’ tan. Once I’m in the Premier League I’ll get the name of a few salons and sun bed shops off him, and hope he’ll explain the benefits of manscaping,” he said.
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