Club Shop Christmas Tat: Last-minute gift ideas for the Premier League football fan in your life ​

Or, "I can't believe they stuck a badge on it"


It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

Yes, football is about to go completely mad for a fortnight, with games after games, and then some more games, on your telly morning, noon and night.

Hopefully, in between it all you get to spend some “quality time” with your nearest and dearest… no, not the FM save where you’ve turned Wealdstone into five-time Champions League winners, I’m talking about your fam, yeah?

Though maybe you won’t want to be near them if they’ve given you some of the crap club shops are pawning off this Christmas on their supporters this Christmas…

Liverpool Football Club Christmas Tree Star

For the Liverpool Football Club completist in your life, this tastefully designed and aerodynamically tested five-pointed conglomeration of polymers will remind us all of the real meaning of Christmas – pasting a logo on some coloured plastic from China and selling it for 19-times the cost.

Yes, it’s about time you dumped the tinfoil star your kid made in preschool and drop a lump of cheap plastic on there instead.

The Liverpool Football Club Christmas Tree Star is the perfect accompaniment to the official Liverpool Football Club boned-and-rolled turkey – pressed into the shape of a liver bird! – the lifesize cardboard cut-out of Divock Origi in Santa costume hauling a sack marked “crucial goals” you keep in the living room, and the official Liverpool Football Club nativity set – with Shankly, Paisley and Dalglish as the three wise men, Jurgen Klopp as baby Jesus and Brendan Rodgers as the donkey.

Manchester United Hairdryer

Find out what felt like to be on the receiving end of Sir Alex Ferguson’s torrential burst of seething rage as you blast yourself in the face with the flesh-searing dry-heat of this 2400W Remington hairdryer from Manchester United.

Each set includes a pouch of genuine spittle from the great manager himself, which can be dripped in front of the 90kmph gusts of air to add another level of authenticity to the experience, while random swearwords and criticisms play through a speaker on the handle.

Also comes with a boot for kicking in the general direction of anyone who p*sses you off.

Burnley Xmas Dad Shirt

Your da can be the life and soul of the Christmas season with this Clarets-themed festive shirt for the low, low price of just… £40?!?!

Though it may seem like a novelty item he’ll wear once on Christmas morning and then dispatch to the back of the press forever, this Burnley Christmas shirt is a versatile garment, suitable for weddings, birthdays and funerals where the person is a big fan of the Turf Moor side and, er, Christmas.

The high-quality, durable material can also be repurposed as a cleaning rag, bedding for a small pet or ad-hoc bandage for wounds sustained should the office Christmas party be invaded by German radical Hans Gruber and his heavily armed team of terrorists with only your da in his bare feet left free to sabotage their dastardly plan.

Newcastle United Shot Glasses

Who knows what Magpies fans would’ve done if they couldn’t have a Brown Ale or seven while Mike Ashley was in toon?

Now, with this pair of shot glasses, you and the 30-stone, shirtless Geordie fan in your life can take your sorrows-drowning to the next level when an even-worse-than-usual Newcastle side is mathematically relegated in early March 2022.

However, we would not advise you to play the Newcastle United drinking game of a shot for every goal they concede as getting your stomach pumped is no joke.

Arsenal Passport Holder and Luggage Tag Set

Made from genuine leather with an embossed Arsenal crest, this unique set of passport holder and luggage tags are just what the Arsenal squad would use on their travels if they’d managed to qualify for Europe this season.

This set is a must-have for any Gooners fans on the move – as it is for erstwhile club captain Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang as he departs London and signs for a club as far away from Arsenal as f**king possible,

Crystal Palace Retractable Dog Lead

If Rover loves the dribbling of Wilf Zaha as much as. well, his own dribbling on the sofa, his bed and anyone within a 4ft radius, then Crystal Palace have thought of the ideal gift for him this Christmas.

Your Eagles-loving labrador or Selhurst-supporting Shih-Tzu can step out in style with this lightweight walking solution that’ll allow them to set their own pace as they contemplate where to relieve themselves next, who has the tastiest looking calves, or whether Patrick Vieira should consider a hybrid zonal and man-marking system from setpieces?

But that’s not all because this deluxe dog lead comes with a built-in torch for late-night comfort breaks in front of the neighbour’s house, and a roll of disposal bags so cleaning up after they make a mess is as easy as hitting Row Z for Christian Benteke.

Aston Villa Slider Bracelet

While Villa fans might’ve been heartbroken when Jack Grealish decided he’d rather sit on the City bench in front of a handful of fans than carry Villa for another season, the memory of their former Holte End hero lives on in the form of the various hairbands, bangles and other accessories available in the Villa club shop – and 100s of Grealish 10 shirts left in the storeroom.

Brighten Christmas morning with this Aston Villa slider bracelet, as worn (probably) by the departed star – and relieve any frustration by scrawling abuse all over the official 2020 Jack Grealish’s calves calendar you got last year before settling down to Christmas dinner.


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