Manchester United mascot Fred the Red is reported to have handed in an official transfer request to the club following his diminishing happiness in recent weeks after the emergence of midfield namesake and archenemy, Fred, who he believes is “stealing the limelight”.
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Having been a favourite amongst junior supporters for several years and the go-to Fred since the early 90s, the giant, cuddly red devil has seen his popularity plummet since mid-November, coinciding with the Brazilian midfielder running into some fine form for the club, solidifying the fact that there is only room for one Fred on the books.
“All good things come to an end unfortunately. He shouldn’t outstay his welcome and tarnish his legendary status like Ole did” one United fan told Paddy Power News.
“I would say in our club’s history, Ruud was the best finisher, Becks the best crosser of a ball, Scholesy the best passer and Fred the Red definitely the best waver.
“He could really thrust his big red, fluffy arm left and right for hours before kick-off match keeping everybody happy. However, little Fred in midfield brings a new energy, so we need to roll with the punches.”
Fred the Red had this to say to a local journalist.
“I used to be top man around these parts. When ‘Fred’ was mentioned, people thought of me and nobody else. I was on pencil cases, pyjamas, bed sheets, the lot. I won’t even get a look-in now with that little fella getting all of the attention.”
“He’s played well for three weeks and suddenly he’s modelling Christmas jumpers on the official website and sending messages of love through the club’s official social media channels.
“It’s Fred this, Fred that. I say f*ck Fred.”
With the hierarchy at United unanimously agreeing Fred the Red will be out of the door in January, rumours have circulated that he has been in contact with Arsenal’s Gunnersaurus to find out if Mesut Ozil is available for a quick phone call.
A Right Said Fred tribute act has already been ruled out.
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