Breaking News: United to ‘give it Ole til the end of the season’ ​

Worked before, didn't it?


Manchester United have released a statement saying they’re going to “give it Ole til the end of the season” because they haven’t a f**king clue what else to do.

The Norwegian was deemed the only viable candidate to step in on an interim basis by the Glazer family and outgoing chief exec Ed Woodward, despite being sacked by the club just hours earlier.

“He’s got United DNA”, a club source said. “He understands the club inside-out – the history, the passion, the absolute shambles it is and how the banter era has to continue, no matter what.”

“Plus, the club’s got months of nostalgic social media content with Ole lined up.

“You don’t spend so long working on something at a cost of millions and then just drop it just like that – unless it’s called Jadon Sancho.

“The club are keeping their eye on what really matters – how many likes and follows would they lose if they’ve to dump it all?” our source explained.

“The share price would collapse!”

And the club haven’t ruled out making Solskjaer a permanent appointment if results improve under his second temporary stewardship.

“Look how well he did when he was caretaker last time. He’ll put the smile back on everyone’s faces.

“Except Donny van de Beek’s.”

“You can’t rule out another last-ditch Ole winner, like a certain magical night in Barc…” at which point we had no choice but to strangle our source to death with our bare hands.

The decision to continue with Solskjaer on an interim basis has divided United’s fractious fanbase.

“A lot of match-going fans still have faith in Ole, leading Greater Machester Police to investigate the possibility that he may possess compromising photos of thousands and thousands of United supporters,” we’ve been told by a Manchester-based connection.

“Ole could hack their bank account, run over their dog and cop off with their mum and they’d still blame the players and the club.

Online, the reaction has been somewhat different.


“United shirt sales have picked in recent days just so lads can record videos of them burning.

“Those videos are sandwiched in between tweets where they pretend to have known who Erik ten Hag and Ralf Rangnick were before last week.”

United are expected to make a final decision on who will lead them into next season as soon as Brendan Rodgers gets sacked by Leicester so they don’t have to pay any compensation.

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