Harry Kane is set for a well-earned four-month break from football as he returns to Spurs after scoring seven goals for England in the final international break of 2021.
The England captain is expected to spend most of the rest of 2021 and early 2022 in one of the 14 saunas, 11 restaurants or two deluxe cheese rooms at the Tottenham Stadium as time ticks down on the remaining six years of his contract at the club.
He’s notched just one league goal in nine appearances this season having spent his spare time in the summer Whatsapping Pep Guardiola and working on a Manc accent.
But the 28-year-old’s dream move to Manchester City fell through just as he’d found the perfect parka and bucket cap for the move north, and now he mopes around at centre-forward on weekends and spends the rest of the week in one of the nine bowling alleys or four IMAX cinemas at his current club’s state-of-the-art ground.
“Oh man, have you ever seen the whales one? it’s like being right beside them,” a friend of the England forward said when asked about how Kane was spending his time.
“The size, the cumbersome movement, the wild, frantic splashing when they’re under attack – it’s just like watching Eric Dier play.”
And this close associate confirmed that Kane will not be taking any undue risks ahead of his mooted move in 2025.
“The Analysis department at Spurs replaced all the GPS trackers when no reading was measured on Hazza from a recent game – turned out he’d just done f**k all for the whole match.”
When asked if there were any worries on Kane’s part that downing tools for Spurs could cost him his England place, a friend dismissed the notion.
“He’s just smashed seven in two games for England, and he could set up on a sunlounger against Norwich and Newcastle and still net a few, so he has no doubt he’ll be first choice for England when he bothers kicking a ball again in March 2022.”
But new Spurs coach Antonio Conte is said to have a plan to motivate the wantaway star.
“Conte got the best out of Eden Hazard at Chelsea by promising him a pie for every goal he scored – he’s banking on Harry doing the same.”
Though the new manager’s efforts to inspire were somewhat undermined when he had to google “What is Europa Conference League” during his introductory speech to his new charges.
However, he remains unconcerned should Kane disappear for the coming months.
“Spurs will pay to replace any hair plugs pulled out in frustration, so he has no concerns if Kane can’t be arsed,” we were told by a club source.
“Plus, he’s already seen ‘League Cup Finalist’ keyrings and commemorative DVDs in the club shop. An FA Cup fifth round appearance should get him a statue outside the ground,” we were told.
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