In a bid to dispel the stench of failure and decay around Old Trafford following their stunning 5-0 defeat to Liverpool on Sunday, Manchester United have announced hastily cobbled together plans to immediately rebrand as Metated.
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The club’s image as a global engagement leader suffered huge damage on Sunday afternoon as their players tripped over one another in their efforts to help Liverpool score as many times as possible in 90 minutes.
“Not even a video of Ronaldo picking his nose or filing a tax return could stop the tidal wave of lols at United on social channels after Maguire and Shaw ran into each other. The numbers went through the floor,” said one source within the club.
“Oh, and obviously we lost the game too, which was bad for, like, football reasons and stuff.”
Indeed, United’s social media analysts were so disturbed by metrics that showed “United” and the poop emoji appeared at record rates together that it was deemed a total rebrand was required.
“Man United has gone through a lot over the years – Cantona’s kung-fu kick, grey shirts dumped in the canal, that bird shitting in Ashley Young’s mouth, David Moyes just being around the place for EIGHT WHOLE F**CKING MONTHS – but nothing compares to the embarrassment of losing to Liverpool the way they did on Sunday,” our source explained.
“There was a time when everyone and their mother was a United follower of some sort, but now, much like Facebook, they only seem to exist to wind yer da up.”
Whatsapp’s servers suffered a brief outage on Sunday evening due to what the company described as “an overwhelming use of the cry-laughing smiley” in group chats.
It means that the club will now rebrand to Metated, with a new logo, club colours and new selection of kits all to follow in the coming weeks.
“The Man United brand was dead when Mo Salah dinked in number five. Metated shows it’s now got a new focus, new energy, new dynamism,” a club spokesman said.
When asked if a new manager would not make more sense, they explained how, “Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s willingness to embrace the new – new tactics like no defence, new players like Donny van de Beek and Jadon Sancho, and new targets like aiming for the top 6 and a Europa League quarter-finals exit this season – as well as his place in the Man United legacy brand history, shows he’s the perfect candidate to lead us through this time of change.”
“At least until we can get Conte to sign a contract.”
For now, the club will wear blue-and-white, with kits to be revealed ahead of their visit to Tottenham on Saturday, though the colours will change in line with trends as determined by the analytics department.
“Mauve is seeing incredible engagement on TikTok this season, could be one for the away kit for sure”, said @TopStretRed on Twitter when the announcement was made, before quickly changing his name to @TopStretMulticolour.
“Can’t wait to see Pogba dab in our cerise and silver Europa Conference League kit next season #gloryglorymetated.”
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