Manchester United have sacked current boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and his successor Antonio Conte to save any dicking around, Paddy Power News can exclusively reveal.
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The pair were informed by United co-owner Joel Glazer at the club’s training ground this afternoon where jubilant players celebrated costing two more men their jobs.
Technical director Darren Fletcher was named interim boss before he was also sacked, leaving club mascot Fred the Red in charge of Saturday’s clash with Tottenham.
A United statement said: ‘The club would like to thank Ole for his work and wish him every success in his new career as an HGV driver’.
‘Given his effectiveness at the wheel, Britain’s supply chain crisis should be solved in time for Christmas’.
‘We’d also like to thank Antonio for a memorable afternoon as United boss, during which he fell out with every player and offered his resignation six times’.
‘A particular highlight was when he zapped Paul Pogba with a cattle prod for not tracking back during a practice game’.
‘Fred the Red will handle first-team affairs while the club scours the continent for another quick-fix, combustible, defensive-minded coach’.
‘The ideal candidate will spend a £400m war chest on overhyped prima donnas and implement an antiquated or wholly inept style of play before we sack him with a bumper pay-off’.
‘All applications should be addressed to Ed Woodward, United’s Head of Sh*te Recruitment’.
Despite only spending a few hours at the Old Trafford outfit, Conte was spotted entering a Manchester hair clinic for an emergency transplant.
Shortly after the day procedure, the Italian told Paddy Power News:
‘Yes, it is true, I had another transplant’.
‘Three hours of watching Fred and Maguire had me tearing my hair out’.
‘By the end of the training session I had less hair than Vin Diesel’s kneecap’.
Meanwhile, there have been unconfirmed reports a Norwegian man caused a huge traffic jam when he drove his haulage vehicle up the wrong lane of the M62.
**Paddy Power’s breaking news coverage is 100% fake news. And that’s the truth.**
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