Transfer News: Skint club pulls £160m from its a*se for Kylian Mbappe ​

Seriously impressive stuff


A club so broke it pawned off Gareth Bale’s golf clubs to pay last month’s gas bill is reportedly set to offer a huge transfer fee for PSG striker Kylian Mbappe, according to reports.


While coffee cups were passed around at Real Madrid’s weekend’s fixture among supporters for spare change to keep the floodlights on, club president Florentino Perez was drawing up plans for the most audacious swoop since that idiot parachuted into the England game at the Euros.

Questions about just how the f**k a club who were claiming to be so broke three months ago it needed to destroy European football as we know it can afford such a move have not deterred the Madrid giants from picking a figure randomly out of their a*se this week in a bid to secure the French forward.

“We’re Real Madrid,” a source close to the club hierarchy said, before continuing: “We do what we want, we do what we want, we’re Real Madrid, we do what we want!”

When asked if the bank manager had been convinced by this approach, the source went on to explain the deal.

“We will pay £50m up-front out of Florentino’s pocket, and then stretch out payments over on £50m over the next 50 years, which is only £1m a year.

“Factor in inflation, and by 2037, PSG will actually be paying us for the transfer. Somehow.”

“At least that’s what it says on these confidential papers,” he claimed while tapping on his brief case, which suddenly sprung open to reveal a packet of stale crackers, some Dairylea Lunchables and several woodlice scurrying for cover.

Florentino Perez, president of Real Madrid Spanish football team, gestures during a press conference following the Board meeting at the Santiago Bernabeu stadium in Madrid on November 23, 2015. AFP PHOTO / JAVIER SORIANO / AFP / JAVIER SORIANO (Photo credit should read JAVIER SORIANO/AFP/Getty Images)

The rest of the fee will be made up of players who are surplus to requirements at the Bernabeu.

“Gareth Bale’s on-board after checking the golf courses around Paris, while we’ll throw-in Eden Hazard plus a free physio to take care of him.”

“Marcelo, Vinicius, Luka Modric and some fella to run around for him, we’ll throw them all in if we can get a deal done.”

“That’s definitely £160m worth… right?”

When asked about the prospect of losing his first-team squad in a desperate bid to sign the striker, manager Carlo Ancelotti raised an eyebrow and said “it’s still better than managing Everton.”

“What the f**k was that all about?” he said, before laughing uproariously.

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