It’s Eurovision time again and a chance for everyone to put the past 18 months of lockdown hell behind them and enjoy a night of chaotic shenanigans from Rotterdam, with the competition having been put on ice since the Dutch won it in 2019.
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The UK entry of course, will fail to trouble the leader board as the rest of Europe gangs up on us once again and as this is a sporting blog, we thought we’d take you on a trip down memory lane and remind you of footballers who tried their best, but ultimately finished with “Nul points.”
KEVIN KEEGAN – HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE:
Back in the late 70’s superstar footballer Kevin Keegan OBE did the unthinkable and left trophy laden Liverpool to head to Bundesliga side SV Hamburg. Then England captain, KK decided to cash-in on his super-stardom by growing a perm, selling Brut aftershave alongside former Heavyweight boxer Henry Cooper and releasing a pop single entitled “Head over Heels in Love.”
When he first touched down in Germany, his new team-mates were initially unimpressed by their new big-money signing, but by the time Kev’s single had hit the dizzy heights of number 31 in the charts, the man known as “Mighty Mouse” had led his new charges to Bundesliga glory whilst picking up back to back Ballon d’Or gongs. Within 12 months of his pop career fizzling out, KK was back in blighty teaming up with Lawrie McMenemy at the mighty.. er.. Southampton.
GLENN & CHRIS – DIAMOND LIGHTS:
The mid-late 80’s was a halcyon period for sports stars having a go at being pop stars. Firstly we had Barry Hearn’s Matchroom Mob heading into the studio to record the abominable “Snooker Loopy” and then to coincide with Tottenham Hotspur’s appearance in the 1987 FA Cup Final, two of the greatest England midfielders of their generation, Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle, got all sexed up to record “Diamond Lights.”
The single reached number 12 in the charts resulting in Glenn and Chris making a couple of appearances on Top of the Pops and becoming English football’s biggest pin-ups. Their newfound fame didn’t last however, mainly thanks to Keith Houchen’s spectacular diving header for Coventry City in that final, which helped the Sky Blues lift their first ever piece of silverware.
Soon teenage girls all over the UK were ripping down posters of the Spurs duo, replacing them with Jason Donovan, Bros and Chesney Hawks. The single is available at your nearest Cancer Research shop in the bargain bucket section.
BOLI & WADDLE – WE’VE GOT A FEELING:
Waddle’s mastery in midfield earned him a lucrative move to Marseille where he became the darling of the fans at the Stade Velodrome. The former sausage maker from Newcastle wasn’t done with his singing career either and in 1991 he teamed up with clubmate Basil Boli to duet on a dance single called “We’ve got a feeling.”
In an era that saw music video replacing live appearances, Waddle even tried a little John Barnes rapping on the single, whilst dressed up as John Steed out of the hit TV show The Avengers. The song failed to trouble the pop charts both here and in mainland Europe, as Waddle continued terrorising opposition defences. If you fancy buying a little piece of nostalgia, a well-known auction site is knocking the 7” out for around a quid.
IAN WRIGHT – DO THE RIGHT THING:
Around a decade before he tried his hand at being a chat-show host, Ian Wright MBE secured the services of one half of the Pet Shop Boys, Chris Lowe, to try to help propel him to pop stardom. The single, “Do the Right Thing”, which was a described as a “House Dance Anthem,” failed to trouble the top 40 in 1993 resulting in some cynics turning round and saying that both “Wrighty” and Lowe had done the “wrong thing” by releasing this piece of quickly forgotten offal.
Others argued that the former Arsenal and England striker would have been better off using the play on words in the title, just like in his Channel 5 show in the noughties. Most however simply stated that he’d have been better off just sticking to doing what he did best – putting the ball in the onion bag with alarming regularity.
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