Man United’s chief transfer botcher Ed Woodward contacted authorities in Eqypt this morning in a bid to sign the Suez Canal-blocking tanker to shore up United’s defence.
The Red Devils exec was keen to move fast after he told the club’s new Director of Doing Whatever Ed Says that the vessel, Ever Given, could be the solution to the team’s defensive issues.
“He’s big, strong, got great balance, and never gives anything away,” Woodward is reported to have told manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in discussions this morning.
“And he turns faster than Harry Maguire – they’d be a perfect partnership.”
The United gaffer is said to have given the green-light for the move after being shown the ship’s possession stats compared with several member’s of his squad.
“This lad can hold 20,000 containers and never lose one!”
“He can definitely teach Fred a thing or two about holding on to things.”
Though United may have to move on some squad members to finance the move, with a move for the Ever Given likely to cost over £50 million, plus the cost of hauling it out of the canal itself.
“They’re hopeful of getting a deal for David de Gea over the line this summer as all the fax machines have been fully serviced and are working,” a source said.
“Edinson Cavani’s already fed up of the Manchester weather and watching Corrie in his hotel room, so he’ll be on his way, and Daniel James is going to be released onto the moors and let run off into the distance to fend for himself, so his wages will be off the books too.”
Though one potential stumbling block for the move is the ship’s agent, Mino Raiola, who has demanded a percentage of all the cheap Chinese tat on-board the vessel before allowing any deal to be completed.
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