Man United appoint laundry lady Doris as Director of Underpants ​

A long-overdue promotion

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Manchester United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward has named veteran laundry lady Doris Sudds as the club’s new Director of Underpants.

Director of Underpants was one of many new roles announced by the Premier League club today as Woodward unveiled his latest distraction tactic.

Sudds has been a stalwart in the United laundry room for over 30-years and will bring a wealth of experience to the role.

‘I don’t understand? I’ve always washed the underpants?’, a bemused Doris told Paddy Power News.

‘Rita does the socks, Vera does the shorts and I do the player’s undercrackers. That’s always been the way of it. I don’t see the need for any silly new titles after all this time?’.

The 62-year-old grandmother rejected suggestions her appointment was part of any long-term coherent strategy by Mr Woodward.

‘Young Darena only started last week and he’s made her Director of Training Bibs’.

Other promotions include the club’s German groundsman, Hans Bogen, appointed Director of Grass Seed and Phil Jones as Director of Treatment Table Testing.

‘Doris has been integral to the club’s success down the years and this new, albeit made up, position is a natural progression’.

Manchester United’s Norwegian manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (C) and players attend a training session at the Carrington training ground in greater Manchester, north west England on April 9, 2019, on the eve of their UEFA Champions League quarter final first leg football match against Barcelona. (Photo by Oli SCARFF / AFP) (Photo by OLI SCARFF/AFP via Getty Images)

The 49-year-old CEO also congratulated his best mate, Matt Judge, United’s new Director of Football Negotiations.

‘Matt was my chief negotiator when we paid £5m over the odds for Felliani on deadline day and gave Alexis Sanchez a £500k-per-week contract’.

‘Giving Matt this title means I can absolve myself of any blame when future transfers go tits up’.

‘Insulating myself like this will ensure I continue to steal a living at Old Trafford for many years to come’.

Woodward also welcomed the club’s new Director of Football, Roger Murtaugh.

Retired LAPD sergeant Murtaugh was unveiled to players and coaching staff at United’s Carrington training complex this morning.

In a statement on the club’s official website, the 74-year-old said: ‘I’m too old for this shit’.

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