Manchester City have made signing Newcastle United’s supporters their number one priority this summer, it has emerged. City’s owners have been long-time admirers of the Toon Army and are expected to make their move before the Etihad re-opens to the public.
Since purchasing the club in 2008, Abu Dhabi-based owner Sheikh Mansour has tried in vain to fill the Etihad with real life Manchester City fans. Seemingly at the end of his tether, the 49-year-old has instructed City’s board to pull out all the stops in an effort to land the Geordie faithful.
“Having read a thorough report compiled by our chief scouts, we have decided to make the Toon Army our top transfer target this summer,” confirmed City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak. “While we briefly considered filling the stadium with Korean sex dolls and using artificial crowd noises next season, we’ve opted to sign Newcastle’s fans instead.”
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“Last year we couldn’t get 10 Mancs through the turnstiles to watch Champions League group games at home, yet 50,000 of these Geordie imbeciles turn up every week to see their side get pumped,” he added. However, the Citizens could soon find themselves in hot water with one Newcastle fan claiming he was the subject of an illegal approach.
41-year-old Julio Geordio said he was having a socially-distanced pint of brown ale outside Shearer’s Bar when he was tapped him up by, who he claims, was a Manchester City representative.
“I still cannae believe it, pet” said Julio. “Ah wez sitting doon te a pint of broon ale when suddenly ah wez approached by some gadgie who sez he wez a social media influencer for Man City. He asked hoo many twitter followers I had and shite like that.”
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Despite the offer of a free season ticket to the Etihad and a signed Liam Gallagher tambourine, Julio refused to switch allegiances citing Newcastle’s own impending Saudi takeover as the reason. “This will be our greatest team since the Texaco Cup wining side of the mid-70s,” he beamed.
In other news, Steve Bruce has confirmed Newcastle have lodged a complaint with the Premier League ahead of tonight’s clash with Manchester City.
The 59-year-old claims Pep Guardiola’s players have an unfair advantage over his Newcastle squad. “City’s boys are used to playing in front of f**k all fans,” moaned Bruce.
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