Remember the year you shaved ‘I love Jesper Blomqvist’ in the back of your hair and your mum told you Christmas was cancelled? Still got that Sega Mega Drive though didn’t you?
And even though we know the whole ‘Naughty or Nice’ business is a filthy lie, we’re contractually obliged to compile a list of football’s goodies and baddies in 2016.
But don’t worry, they’ll all still be f*cking billionaires at the end of it.
When Zlatan arrived in England we all expected an orgy of outlandish boasts, villainous moustache twirling and kung-fu-kick decapitations.
Instead it’s been a fairly stodgy buffet of decent performances and frankly boring niceness.
So, if he hasn’t smashed Sir Bobby Charlton in the windpipe with a Hadoken by the end of January, someone needs to whip out an allen key and get this pleasant, polite impostor disassembled and back to Ikea.
That pint of wine
Just as England’s woeful showing in the Euros was set to be washed away in a wave of redemptive gravy, Sam Allardyce forgot how important it was to be a bit less ‘Sam Allardyce’ and got himself sacked.
But rather that chastise the big man himself, the charitable thing to do is think of what precisely you would promise an undercover journalist if you had a pint of merlot inside you.
Best case scenario you’d have slagged off your boss and indiscreetly promised to score some top grade sniff from dodgy Janet in the canteen.
In a year where some truly despicable men have consolidated their status in the world, one man stands out for sheer, unrivalled deviousness.
Barely had those hardworking souls at the Premier League finished exchanging a lorry filled with diamonds for rights to broadcast the ‘Best League in the World’, than Claudio Ranieri – a man too rubbish to be in charge of Greece – shuffled along and dilly-ding-donged his way to a preposterously easy title.
And he very nearly exposed us all to the sight of Gary Lineker’s silvery willy nest too. What a shit.
One of the most selfless individuals in the game, Hal Robson-Kanu spent 2016 trying to convince onlookers he was nothing more than a scuttling, Championship plodder with all the finesse of a wheelie bin fire.
And he did a magnificent job, allowing the whole world to believe that the genius behind the extraordinary success of the Welsh team was actually Gareth Bale.
(We’re deducting a few points for when he casually evaporated four international defenders, briefly letting slip that he’s actually the Welsh Roberto Baggio.)
Now, a man who routinely bites off swan faces and posts them to Sir David Attenborough may not be an obvious pick for the nice list. But you have to remember that what we’ve seen throughout 2016 is Diego Costa being nice.
The fact that Jose Mourinho is currently alive and well in Manchester, and not bobbing down the canal in 30 different bin bags is all we need to lump Diego in with the goodies.
Also, think how furious he’ll be when he finds out.
Don’t know. Er. Kevin De Bruyne? Maybe?
He looks like a paperboy. He’s almost certainly never killed a man with a fork.
We’re sort of struggling here…