Bah Gawd, Jr, it’s Summerslam!
That’s right – the summer’s biggest fest of large sweaty men tossing each other around the squared circle is just around the corner and Vincent Kennedy McMahon has put together a bumper card for us all to spend six hours watching. Thanks, chief.
The night’s action is certainly headlined by the mammoth fatal four way clash for the Universal Championship, but it’s fairly stacked throughout.
Let’s get dissecting some of the juicy clashes.
Big Show v Big Cass
The battle of the big men – a dispute that’s ironically over Cass’ treatment of a spiky-haired midget.
I’ll be honest, the build to this has been so bad, it could have been a chronicle of Harchester United’s history.
Big Show has been jobbing himself for the best part of a decade. Big Cass will pick up a (sigh) big win.
Cruiserweight Championship: Akira Tozawa v Neville
This match-up just took place on RAW. While it might be best served on there instead of bulking up the pre-show at the Barclays Centre, they’ve decided to put a rematch on regardless.
Neville’s coming off a lengthy reign as ‘King of the Cruiserweights’, and losing that gong, to only regain it at Summerslam would make no sense.
It’s all set for Akira Tozara to retain the strap no one cares about.
Baron Corbin v John Cena
The most boring man ever contracted by WWE faces up against the most divisive.
Corbin’s just lost his Money in the Bank contract, partly due to Cena and the office won’t want to make him look weaker.
This likely won’t be a clean finish, with the potential of a no-contest. It’s far more of a character arc pitstop than it is an actual contest.
Bray Wyatt v Finn Balor
The battle of the two weird lads. Except one of them is from Bray, so he’s alright.
The Irishman is speaking about bringing back his demon persona, and with that to be a big hit on the night, Finn Balor won’t drop this bout to The Eater of Worlds.
Especially considering Wyatt won their brief clash on RAW. Fifty-fifty booking looms large again.
WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The New Day v The Usos
Listen, the only reason The New Day got the record for longest reigning tag team champions was because of WWE’s beef with Demolition. Everyone knows that.
But their meteoric rise coincided with merchandising success.
The Usos might be the best tandem in the company right now, and they consistently perform.
However, their win on Smackdown Live means they won’t be regaining their belts just yet. Us-No!
AJ Styles v Kevin Owens
In typical McMahon fashion, a clash of two of the best wrestlers on the planet will take a back seat to a McMahon ego.
The introduction of Shane into the match as special guest referee means they’re likely writing him into another feud.
Not only did he get to face the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, he was also AJ Styles’ opponent last year at the same event.
There’ll be a screwy finish, so best to spend your money elsewhere.
WWE RAW Tag Team Championship: Cesaro & Sheamus v Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose
One of the more intriguing storylines on WWE television lately has been the will they, won’t they arc with Rollins and Ambrose.
The Shield memorably disbanded when Rollins turned on his stablemates years back, but Rollins and Ambrose finally reconciled last week.
They’re too strong though and don’t need the belts. Expect a sneaky win for Cesaro & Sheamus despite what Paddy’s betting line says.
WWE Championship: Jinder Mahal v Shinsuke Nakamura
About six months ago, Mahal was struggling to beat the lower ranked wrestlers on the roster. Now, he’s building a rapport with the potentially massive Indian audience.
WWE likes this, they like it a lot. There has been no build to this feud and the pay-off would be small compared to what they could do with Nakamura in a main event spot down the line.
Jinder will surely retain his belt given there would be absolutely nowhere for him to go once he lost it.
Nakamura, like a young Shawn Michaels, has the world at his feet.
WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar v Samoa Joe v Roman Reigns v Braun Strowman
This result would have been far more difficult to predict had WWE not written into a promo that Lesnar will leave should he lose his belt on Sunday.
While this could have been used in the past to write the Beast off as a heel before a return down the line, this doesn’t appear to be the case here.
Reigns is being kept for Wrestlemania (I know, I know), while Strowman doesn’t need the belt, nor does he have the personality to maintain interest in him as a champion. That leaves a toss-up between Samoa Joe and Brock.
The latter is taken to get the better of the others simply because the threats of a UFC exile feel forced.