Andy Dawson: It’s coming home so let’s plan a massive England conga

The Profanity Swan is already planning the celebrations for England if they finally bring home the World Cup trophy for the second time…


It’s coming home and none of us have felt more certain about that than we do right now – well at least not since Frank Lampard smashed that piledriver over the line against Germany in South Africa back in 2010.

Let’s just call it the ‘Ghost World Cup Win’ – if the officials hadn’t got that wrong we’d surely have gone all the way and brought the world’s sexiest murder weapon back to England where it belongs.

But let’s not get too hung up on all that – a 2018 win is pretty much nailed on, seeing as how we’re in the same half of the draw as Switzerland, Sweden, Total Network Solutions and the current touring version of Slade that doesn’t even contain Noddy Holder any more.

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With that in mind, it’s probably a good idea to leave Gareth Southgate’s magnificent heroes to the task in hand while we turn our attentions to the post-victory glory parade once they arrive back home with the sex trophy and indeed football itself clamped in their victorious grasps.

A traditional bus parade just won’t cut the mustard – for an achievement as major as this (inevitable) one, a massive conga will be required, involving everyone in England.

Here’s some of the major stop-off points…

The Channel Tunnel

The conga will kick off at the English mouth of the ‘gateway to Europe’. Thanks to our historic World Cup triumph and the inevitability of Brexit, we won’t be needing that ridiculous gaping hole any more.

Once the players have disembarked from the tunnel at the White Cliffs of Dover (or wherever it is), the celebratory conga will commence and head inland, while the hole is filled by a team of Peter Crouch lookalike robots, all doing his dance as they seal up the tunnel’s entrance using bricks made out of confiscated M-Kat and good old English elbow grease.

Buckingham Palace

We did this for the Queen, so it’s only right and proper that we make a diversion past her manor and wave the sex trophy under her nose. This one’s for you, ma’am! She’ll respond by chucking a load of knighthoods down for Gareth and the boys.

Also, our de facto national leader is Danny Dyer now, so we’ll organise it for him to accompany her maj on the balcony. He’ll be King one day, so it’s good that he gets acclimatised early.


Jamie Vardy, Dele Alli and Danny Wellbeck have all expressed their deep love for the iconic chicken restaurants in the past, so we’ll stop off there for a cheeky one as we snake our way around the land. Just tell them the FA are paying.

Fleet Street

Let’s slow the conga down at this point and let Raheem Sterling take over at the front. This one’s for him as payback for all the vile stories the tabloid rags have put out about him.

Arses bared, everyone!

Joe Hart’s house

Let’s face it – we couldn’t have done this with Joe. If he hadn’t had such a mare against Iceland in Euro 2016, Roy Hodgson would probably still be in charge and we’d all be smarting after a 4-1 loss against Panama.

Selfless and glorious, Joe – there’s a knighthood in the post.

Jack Wilshere’s house

Just to give him something else to whine about on Instagram.

Hadrian’s Wall

The final stopping point for our epic conga – we’ll form a huge coast-to-coast line across the Scotti… sorry, ENGLISH border and give a load of massive wide V’s to the Scots as a way of thanking them for all their support over the decades.

Then, who knows, maybe off to Scandinavia to repay them for the Viking raids of the late eighth century.


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What do you think?