Uruguay v Portugal will be the shithouse showdown of a lifetime

We run through Portugal and Uruguay’s nastiest player’s 'finest' moments...


Football, they say, is a game for gentlemen played by barbarians. While that may be hyperbole, looking at the World Cup’s second knockout game might just incline you to agree.

Portugal against Uruguay is a match full of tykes and tyrants. It’s replete with deceivers, cheats and generally unpleasant men. The two countries have only faced off on the football pitch twice in their illustrious histories and the game will be a chance to showcase some real evil to the world.

The scale of shithousery we can expect to witness will undoubtedly be off the charts and we can’t wait.

To get you in the mood – as if you need pumping up already – we’ve taken a look at the best son-of-a-bi*ch incidents that have taken place over the years between the two sides’ current players. Enjoy, and let battle commence.

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Luis Suarez – Hand of a Pr*ck

We all remember it, don’t we? Luis Suarez has become infamous for the depths he’s been willing to sink to in order to succeed for himself and his team. However the most gutting moment quite literally inflicted by the hands of the Uruguayan came when facing Ghana in the quarter-finals of the 2010 World Cup.

With Ghana facing the opportunity to reach the semi-finals for the first time ever, Dominic Adiyiah sent a ball goalwards with moments left on the clock that undoubtedly would have found the net. Suarez, channelling his inner Diego Maradona – another South American cheat – threw his hands into the air to deflect the ball from goal.

Needless to say, Asamoah Gyan missed the resulting penalty and Suarez wheeled around the sidelines in celebration, thus consigning himself to the annals of shithousery forever. We still feel for you, Ghana.

Ronaldo – an absolute winker

Granted, it was years ago and CR7 is seemingly a new man these days. But it still isn’t forgiven. The 2006 World Cup seemed to offer England’s so called ‘Golden Generation’ their last real shot at glory. A 20-year-old Wayne Rooney bore the weight of his country’s expectations firmly on a young pair of shoulders and it all became too much.

Having been shown red for his temper-induced stamp upon Ricardo Carvalho, Rooney trudged from the pitch in despair, leaving the Three Lions to dive out in the tournament’s quarter-final stage. Ronaldo’s ensuing badgering of the referee to ensure Roo was shown red and subsequent nauseating wink to the bench left a stale taste in the mouth for England fans.

Add this to his diving, tantrums and general jealousy inducing perfection, CR7 has mastered being one truly nasty sod.

Luis Suarez – feed me, Suarez

Shock horror, it’s inclusion no. 2 for the aforementioned Mr Suarez. Another infamous incident, Suarez’s gnawing at Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini is a moment that will stay in the mind of every football fan worldwide forever.

It’s not the only time the budget Mike Tyson has taken a chunk from his opponent, however.

Suarez has bitten rivals on no fewer than three recorded occasions (the other two being for Ajax on Otman Bakkal and Liverpool against Branislav Ivanovic). The forward has also been done for racially abusing Patrice Evra and can be viewed as one of football’s most utterly contemptible men alive.

Pepe – King Shithouse

What a nasty man Portugal’s Pepe is. Not only did he once sport one of football’s most diabolical haircuts, but the fella has also developed an unparalleled reputation for being a top draw spanner.

Be it diving or breaking legs, Pepe has become synonymous with shithousery. His spectacular crumpling after the gentle knock of Morocco’s Medhi Benatia embodies everything detestable routinely showcased by the 35-year-old defender.

It was an embarrassing display that belongs nowhere near the football pitch and leaves us wondering if the star struggles to maintain his balance elsewhere in life. Windy days must be a nightmare.

Diego Godin – an unhappy childhood?

Godin encapsulates all that’s wrong (or right, depending on how you view it) about the players facing off for Portugal and Uruguay.

There’s no one stand out moment of horror we can look at with the 32-year-old, but countless incidences of reckless challenges, needless confrontations and general brutishness.

His studded stamp into the small of Dani Alves’ back stands out though and, if you haven’t seen it already, is guaranteed to make you wince. Nasty bastard.

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