So, it’s coming home then.
‘What is?’ you might ask. Football. Football’s coming home. It’s coming home, it’s coming home, it’s coming… football’s coming home.
In case you’ve been semi-conscious in a skip for the past 36 hours, you need to know that England absolutely mullered Panama 6-1 in the World Cup on Sunday and it could have been ten but why embarrass the opposition and anyway you’ve got to keep some in the tank for the Belgians.
England’s procession to World Cup glory is now a formality, and as well as the delicious-looking trophy itself (it’s VERY lickable isn’t it?), our inevitable win would mean that football itself would return home, to England, where it was born and raised, in England. Mmmmm… Eng-er-land.
Got any questions? Here’s your answers…
WHY IS FOOTBALL COMING HOME?
Six one, mate. Six f***ing one. Yes, it was only against Panama (which itself is merely a fictional country created by Ian Fleming) but you can only thrash what’s put in front of you. There’s nothing and no one at this World Cup that England need to fear in the latter stages, even though Spain look pretty decent, the Germans have rediscovered their mojo and Croatia look worryingly effective. As do Uruguay and Mexico, and you can never write off the Brazilians.
STOP DOING DOWN OUR CHANCES!
And if you think we need to be worried about the way England’s defence switched off to allow Panama’s consolidation goal, you must be some kind of traitor scum.
HOW IS ENGLAND FOOTBALL’S ‘HOME’?
Everyone knows that football was invented here in the 19th Century and definitely not in China hundreds of years before or anything else that Wikipedia might illegally tell you. No way, pal.
Football was dreamt up by toffs as a way of distracting the lower orders from their horrific living and working conditions, with Notts County the first team to be founded. The sport got off to a slow start though, as no other teams were founded for another three years, which meant County had no one to play against and spent most of their time visiting other towns to see if anyone else had heard of football or set up a team.
England – home of football. SHUT UP IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE!
HOW CAN I PREPARE FOR THE HOMECOMING?
Step one – you’re going to need to stock up on stuff with the cross of St. George on it to hang off the side of your house or drape all over your car. Plastic bowler hats, England leisurewear, official or snide, is essential.
If the shops are sold out, give me a shout – every time England crash out of a tournament, I stock up on all the merch once it’s been reduced to five pence, before storing it in a lock-up in Hendon and flogging it at a tasty profit two years later. Just cross out Roy Hodgson’s name from these 3,000 Euro 2016 T-shirts that I’ve got and it all looks great and bang up to date.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN ONCE FOOTBALL HAS COME HOME?
After we win the World Cup, football will be dispatched from Moscow in a lorry and driven back through Europe. Crowds of foreigners will line the streets and bow down in tribute as football makes its way back to its birthplace.
Football will re-enter England on board a hovercraft which will land on the beach next to the white cliffs of Dover. A bit like the D-Day landings but the opposite and SIGNIFICANTLY MORE IMPORTANT.
Once football is home again, the sun will shine every day and Brexit will be swept through as the EU realises how important England actually is and caves in to all our demands.
WHAT IF IT DOESN’T COME HOME BUT GOES SOMEWHERE ELSE INSTEAD?
Are you on f***ing glue or what?