Neymar Jr is one of the world’s greatest footballers. He has talent in abundance and never shies away from a chance to display it with often mesmerising ability.
But let’s be honest, he’s a complete and utter bellend. The bloke screams arrogance like a 40-something accountant with an S Class and finalised divorce settlement on younger wifey no.2 – entitled tool.
Neymar isn’t alone, however. The World Cup, by definition, takes football’s greatest players from across the globe and bungs them into the same country. It means Russia’s concentration of wealthy, confident young men has rocketed. Like a Chelsea boy’s Napa stag, this can cause some trouble.
Already in the group stages, we’ve seen a fair few horrors. Here’s our run-down of the World Cup’s worst offenders and their associated crimes. Grit those teeth, whiten those knuckles, sit back and enjoy the ride.
Eiji Kawashima – lying
Ol’ Eiji, the FC Metz shot-stopper, is a prolific fib teller. When Japan faced off against Columbia, the 35-year-old (aged enough to know better, we feel) lied on the global stage with no semblance of remorse or guilt.
It was sickening stuff. Juan Quintero’s free-kick had quite clearly crossed the line and Kawashima – who was two inches from the ball – knew that the clearest.
Yet still, with the bare faced cheek of a naughty schoolboy, he went ahead protesting the awarding of the goal with remarkable conviction. Sadly, his efforts were stunted by goal-line technology and the fact that literally millions of people saw it roll over.
I've woke up on many occasions cringing at what I had done the night before.
None of those would even come close to the Iranian lad after trying to do a somersault throw-in in a World Cup game and failing miserably. pic.twitter.com/t2jdO3syyg
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) June 21, 2018
Milad Mohammadi – cocky idiocy
20 seconds on the clock, trailing Spain by a slender goal and a throw-in crops up in the heart of the Spanish half. For Iran, this was a lifeline beyond belief. It needed to be grabbed with both hands and thrown in conventional fashion.
Mohammadi’s roly-poly antics were as disastrous as they were misguided and the fella deserves relentless lambasting.
The flip was crap and Mohammadi has entered himself into the Footballing Hall of Fame with criminal infamy. Sort your life out.
Pepe – being shot?
People are calling it a dive, but we’re not so sure. Having been tapped gently on the back by Morocco’s Medhi Benatia, Pepe hit the deck in spectacular fashion.
The pat, however, was purely coincidence as nothing and no one could elicit a reaction like that from such minor contact.
Pepe was caught up in an attempted assassination. We reckon the fella’s been involved with some bad people – naughty boy – and had a trained SAS sniper set his sight on him.
The shot was so fast and cutting that no one noticed, but the Portugal star’s collapse makes it all clear now.
Chief offender – being himself
Neymar sees this as his World Cup. He’s 26, Messi is having a mare, and Ronaldo’s Portugal are unlikely to progress as far as his Brazil. He’s claiming this tournament as his own.
It started with the hairstyle, it got worse with the anger, it was inflamed by the diving and it was epitomised by the crying.
Neymar is going out of his way to behave like a cock this year. His tears concluded a game in which he had behaved like a bold child having beaten a nation of less than five million.
It’s controversial – due to the ridiculous density of morons in this world who talk about heritage and beauty – but if Brazil fail to qualify for the next round it’ll be a joy. Neymar’s tears were excessive, yes, but oh so enjoyable. Pray for more.